“The Mathamatical Charlady ” Or “The Ressurrection of Bugsville”
the text begins with a list of characters; they do not necessarily appear in the story, there are also ideas for further development and an attempt to avoid legal challenge for defamation!
prologue In writing this an imaginary story; one has to be very careful not to give offence and it is a thousand pities that I have to use a name as a ‘nom-de-plume’ to a town of lovely surroundings. I shall have to give the town the name of ‘Bugsville’ in case any of the ‘get-rich-quick -brigade’ who left it for feathering their nests well before the Great Slump came should take offence at real or imagined offence given to them in this following book . For instance, if some of them after fleecing the public of ‘Bugsville’, got fleeced in turn after leaving it, they would be able to recoup themselves if they could prove they were mentioned in this book in a derogatory manner; but which of them would want to claim a town with a name like ‘Bugsville’ especially if they were in ‘igh society. Therefore ‘Bugsville’ is a town of imagination and we will let it go at that.
Ideas To draw the people by unusual appeal. Such as =public Hangings=(1) excuses for attending by some(2) Studying the public.(3) Blatterpudding the 2nd. Man (4) Shovel the first(5) Blatterpudding history including why he loves the church= poking the fires out= (Proffit= way of deducting interest paid at start=) The loan to Glueports. The 3 men to open a large café and hotel in Glueport = 2 of them want to leave Bpudding from the investigation the 3rd. wants to take him = how B.pudding repays the 3rd. man. Rules of contrary. Blatter P’s luck at T.partys, Blatterpuddings remarks about pleasure on weekends especially Sundays = diff types in motor cars, charas,trains etc=
The Resurrection of Bugsville Or the Mathamatical Charlady
The Gentlemans club on ‘Hilltop’ in Bugsville was fairly well filled with members when Mr. Bouncer came swaggering into the smokeroom; Now Mr. Bouncer was one of the many different kinds of people who like to call themselves ‘self-made men’. Had he been poor his description in terms appertaining to his phisique would have been ‘fat and bowlegged’, but we will call it rotund. There was quietness when he came in, because; as all the members knew, his more successful Business rival was already installed in an armchair opposite to the one Mr. Bouncer would ultimately seat himself, and all the members prepared themselves to hear some not very flattering remarks between the two, and they were not kept waiting very long.
Mr. Bouncer was in the cotton spinning industry, a director of quite a few concerns, all more or less in a wobbly condition. The name of the other gentleman was This; anyhow for obvious reasons as he was connected with the woollen and worsted trade we will call him Mr.Kamm.
When Bouncer seated himself he gave Kamm a distant nod of recognition, which was as coldly returned.[1]”Well” said Mr. Kamm,”How are things in the cotton trade?” “Hm.” Said Bouncer.”So.So” “That means to say, ‘As you were’ “said Mr. Kamm. Bouncer snorted, ”Well,” he said, “You people in the Woollen industry never alter. You have not improved your processes since the Flemings brought the industry over hundreds of years ago. Ha. Ha ha!” continued Bouncer,”I suppose you know what the fore-runners of your industry did with the natives around here, all those years ago.” “Well !” said Mr. Kamm.” What did they do?”
“Do!” said Bouncer, “ Why, they had a drum with a handle at one end and when the natives brought them cloth they paid on the evolutions of the drum, but they did not take the first piece off the drum, when the second weaver brought his or her piece it was wound on top of the first piece ,and so on until the cloth on the drum nearly reached the ground on the underside, so that the weaver who brought his piece the last would have a lot less money than the weaver whose piece was first wound on the drum.” “ Very clever,” said Mr. Kamm,” but there is one obvious thing of some moment, about the transaction.” Both the weaver and the buyer, would get something. but a lot of the public who bought cotton shares paid £1 for them and have not the price of a packet of cigarettes to show for it in return. You remind me.” said Mr. Kamm, “of the case of Jimmy Ticket! Jimmy was out of work and could not get a copper from anywhere. Until he happened to remember that his wife (a thrifty woman) had a habit of putting odd half-crowns left over from each week’s shopping into a glass in the cupboard. Now when his wife was out, Jimmy examined the contents of the glass and found that there were eight half crowns in it; but Jimmy dare not touch it; until after much worrying he thought of a plan to benefit himself and he did it in the following way. He changed each half crown so that he would have a two shilling bit and a sixpence so that gave him four shillings for himself and 8 two shilling pieces to put back in the glass, and to add insult to injury when Mrs. Ticket examined the glass and said the contents should have been half crowns, he said that her sight had been failing for a long time and that she had better get some eye-glasses. But even in that transaction both husband and wife got something out of it, and by the way the woollen industry has not as yet petitioned the government to try to close redundant Woollen Mills so that we can swim along without any competition or at least with only competition between the mills that are left running. And that’s another thing. Do you know in all departments of our mill, there is a competent foreman, who is responsible for his department and the workpeople in each have a pension scheme and they can return when they reach 60 years of age, and we have a considerable foreign trade. You see we are not just making one class of goods; we make, suiting, blankets, Shutups, Sports Goods, Underwear etc, By the way” said Mr. Kamm, “I don’t think you know the weight of the pair of blankets that you have on your bed.” “Well!” said Bouncer, “Why should I? I haven’t time to trouble about such trifles.
“ I was only going to tell you,” said Mr.Kamm.”That a 7lb. pair of blankets should be 66”by86” inches and 8lbs 4” longer and 4” wider that is 70” and 90” and so on” Before Bouncer had time to reply, Mr. Kamm who had been glancing through the club room window while conversing with him, suddenly turned round to the steward, who was attending to his duties nearby. “ William!” he said, “I have seen that friend of yours going down the street, you know the man you told me about the other day, and said he was a bachelor , and an unemployed cotton operative and a bit of a ‘poet’.
He looks very doleful this morning.”
“yes.” Said the steward,” He will be more doleful than ever, because he has been put on the ‘means test’. You know,” said the steward, “he is a very comical chap and says that if he has to stay on the ‘means test’ any length of time. He hopes that he will not look as ‘mean’ as some that are not and have a very long chance of even being on it. Oh Mr. Kamm !” said the steward.” Have you read any of his poems.
Because I have two of them with me, you can read them if you wish to.” Whilst he was (rood words) speaking he handed two slips of paper over to the woollen merchant, and Mr.Kamm began to recite evidently them. Mr. Bouncer being opposite had to listen or leave the room, and the steward stood mainly to have Mr. Kamm’s opinion of his friend’s poetry. The first one had evidently been written whilst the cotton operative was happy and contented and was trying to make himself a perfect Christian and was entitled:
‘He who content of heart’
He who content of heart
Can see the Blue o’er the green of the trees
Lilt in tune with the larks
And hear harp strings in the breath of the breeze
Chorus Saying merrily, cheerily merrily
Good morning,
Good morning [6]
2nd. Verse
Sees God in the swarm of life
And follows the path though weary and worn
Firm to the end of Strife
Lays down the burden for the great unknown
Saying wearily cheerily wearily.
“Not so bad!” said Mr. Kamm. Now we will read the other one.= Why there is a change in our friends outlook on life. Listen to the title,
‘A doleful ditty.’
I am walking through the mud and grime
To land at my appointed time.
For I must be there wet or fine
To sign upon the dotted line.
Chorus
And when the clerk signs my last docket,
And tells me that he’ll have to stop it,
Then I know it’s time to hop it
Underneath the workhouse clock. [7]
“Ha! Ha!” said Mr. Kamm.” Your friend has a sense of humour as well as a sense of rhyme. “Yes.” said William, ”but his sense of humour would get him into serious trouble if he took it into his head to get all his prose and rhyme printed. “ Why?” said Mr.Kamm, there’s nothing wrong with these two short poems; that is there is nothing to which anyone could object.” “ No!” said William,” Not in these two, but I was thinking of some prose he hasn’t printed. You know the Modern four storey mill belonging to the “Glory Bex” Spinning Company, which has been standing idle for about 4 years, you know the one the brokers bought for a very small price and sent the machinery to India or Timbuctu,.You know, when they sold the machinery they thought they would not have to pay rates for it. They call it “business integrity”, but he calls it “ Business disintegration”.. Well he has some idea about this empty mill.. You know on the top storey the walls are built up above the roof all around the mill and full of water to feed the sprinklers in case of fire. This could be surrounded with coloured pictures of, Brighton, Bournemouth and other resorts[8],so that the swimmers or bathers (it would not be so deep) would (along with a vivid imagination) think they were at one or other of these resorts; and at the same time be saving their railway fare. Now in the 3rd. or 4th. Storeys they would be able to keep hens and they would be able to get more eggs, because being lit up through night and day it would fool the hens and they would be working overtime without knowing it.. The second storey would be grand for tomatoes, because they would be able to use the leaving from the hens to feed the plants with.” “And what about the bottom storey?” said Mr.Kamm “They would keep pigs in that!” said William.”And then all the people that had worked there, hither to, when the Mill had served its legitimate purpose would be able to swap their ‘dole’ or ‘means test’ money for “eggs,’ hens, tomatoes or bacon” There is one thing though, my poet friend says, if this plan went through, the offices appertaining to it would have to be next to the pig styes on the bottom storey; boxed or boarded off of course.
“ Why” said Mr Kamm,” was your friend so persistent[9] in wanting the offices near the pig styes?”
“That is the big joke!” said William,” They would be near the styes so that every time the pigs grunted. and the Directors were having a meeting they would hear the pigs grunting and it would remind them that as long as the pigs grunted, that they could always get a fresh mortgage and were therefore ‘saving their bacon’ ’” Whilst William had been speaking Bouncer had been glaring at the unsuspecting steward and if baleful looks could have killed the steward would have already departed this life.
On William’s departure, Bouncer turned his angry glance on to Mr. Kamm. “Sheer impertinence!” he spluttered; “Is it not enough that I am paying about 7/- in the pound of my taxes to his cynical, moaning; work shirking; tenth rate poet of a friend, without having to listen to all this insult.” “ wait a moment!” said Mr. Kamm,” How long have you been such a howling conservative. You sound like a blue-blooded Norman [10]You and I went to the same public school and attended the same place of Worship, and you were a decent chap until you got bitten by this re-organisation and inflation in order to get sixpence for tuppence, and just because you lose a small sum from that, which was never really yours, you are bitter and have hateful thoughts of one who has only a few shillings a week to live on after all in your inflations you caught the mackeral without having to use any sprats for bait. Therefore do not grumble if you are paying out in ‘means test’ the sprats you should have given out in the first place to hook the mackerel. Surely you don’t want both your halfpenny and your gingerbread!” Mr Kamm’s hard-hitting reply to Bouncer’s outburst now brought forth Bouncer’s last and most malicious answer, and to use a boxing term a terrible hit below the belt. “ You did not tell me,” he said,” that our charwoman was a good customer at the ‘Spotted Dog’.” “ Charwoman!” said Mr. Kamm “ oh you mean the lady that cleans and dusts here?” “Lady!” said Bouncer in a disgusted tone.” I mean the woman, who makes her living, or part of it, by working for us at this club!” “ Well.” said Mr. Kamm,”She has to work for her living, because her father lost his money in the financial crash, and also his position; which trouble allayed to declining health, was the cause of his premature death.” Now although Mr. Kamm answered Bouncer in this way he felt very uneasy, because he knew that the ‘charwoman’, as Bouncer called her had been left alone in the world, just after she had matriculated and had only had a pound or two to carry on with after all debts and expenses had been paid. The lady in question was well known, both to himself and Bouncer; and he now knew that Bouncer suspected, what he thought only himself knew; that he Mr.Kamm, was very fond of her. In fact what Bouncer did not know was that the woollen manufacturer had pleaded with her to marry him., and when she refused him he had offered to fund her money to carry on any business or undertaking she would like to enter, but she had steadily refused all help. There was a disparity of about 5 years in their ages and she was alonely, pretty lady, refined and kindly, nicely built and a sensible woman indeed[12] Now Mr. Kamm; thought it was time to change the subject and at the same time to see for himself how much truth there was in Bouncer’s statement. “Now!” he said, “Bouncer, how would you manage if you were left on your own with no money to carry on with. How would you manage to make a living?”
“Well!” said Bouncer aggressively, “I could manage if they could!”
“I wonder?” answered Mr. Kamm, “ I think our charlady, as you call her, if left in those circumstances= if left in those circumstances I’ve told you she was= would beat you in getting out of the rut, if you both started equal.”
“Her father would most likely have something salted away for her.” Said Bouncer with a sneer “There you are .” said Mr. Kamm. “ judging others from what you would do yourself. Now be a decent chap, when a person or persons are struggling to get out of the rut, give them credit for it. “ Well !” said Bouncer. “ I will bet you ten pounds that she had at least a three figure sum when her father died.” “You know I am a Sunday School Superintendent, and a local preacher.” Said Mr. Kamm; ”but if it is kept between us two, I will take you on. That is to say if her father left her less than£10 I have won. If over £10 you will win.[13
“"alright.” Said Bouncer, thinking how easily he was going to win his money. Now it was a very strange phenomenon, that although Bouncer was a very contradictory and overbearing personality, he thought well of Mr. Kamm, and when the latter said he was going home and would walk it., for the benefit of his health’ the other offered to accompany him, as they did not live far apart., of course Bouncer did not walk for the benefit of his health, but to save his bus fare. Before they parted for their different homes, their road went through the middle of a churchyard and they both noticed that there were two men engaged in highering the side stones belonging to a grave at the head of which was a very large tombstone on which was engraved among the other formalities, two clasped hands, and the two men were arguing about whose wife she would be when she departed this life; because she had married again after the demise of her first husband, who lay in the grave on which the two men were working. The men’s ages seemed to be about 68 and 50 years. “ Good afternoon.” Said the older of the two, “ You see we have undertaken a grave responsibility[14]. We are trying to make this grave look nice for Easter. As you see the side stones have sunk badly and we have borrowed the sexton’s planks to raise them up., and as we could not see him anywhere about we have taken French Leave of them. We have also borrowed two spades and some buckets. The conditions are that we dig two feet down and replace the clay by loam; now this bright youngster(referring to his mate of about 50 years) wants to take off a few inches of clay and put in its place a few inches deep of loam, that is all because he does not want to help me carry about 20 bucketfuls of the soil from that farm over there; partly because we have not asked permission of the farmer. I will ask his permission after we have got it., for his chief reason is that he does not want to carry it. Of course to give him credit he is on the dole and is afraid of being caught; but he will be alright, because we are only getting eighteen pence between us, ninepence each. That will make his pay this week17/9 and mine 10/9. I don’t think we should have earned hem few coppers, only the lady is not on the best of terms[15] with her second husband and is only putting the grave ship-shape in order to get back at him for some real or fancied offence that he has given to her. I feel certain that she will come along to church on Sunday bringing her second hubby with her and she will also tread the soil to make sure we have earned our ninepences and at the same time make it appear to all her friends that her first and only love lies under my feet. ( the old man was right for this was exactly what happened) “No! You young Jackanapes,we will do as this lady asked us to do. According to the old Book I have only 3 years of my life to go to attain 70 years, the allotted span, and my motto is ‘live a day at a time,’ say your prayers every day + ‘do as you would be done by’. And when my time comes I shall be ready,” and he said, looking at his mate,” I should advise you to do the same this next fifteen years, while you are getting ready for your old age pension; that is if you are spared til then. As the two gentlemen continued on their way, Bouncer said to Kamm, “Don’t you see that the working folks are just as bad as the capitalist, all of them wanting something for nothing. “ “ Yes !” said Kamm; “ But they are very conscientious about it”[16] After proceeding for a few yards Mr. Kamm said to Mr. Bouncer, ”Will you turn back to those two men and see what they have planned for their future; that is unless they plan to go on as they are;” they both turned back and Mr. Kamm approached the older of the two deputy sextons. “ Have you any plans,” he said, “of getting work or doing something to get more of the comforts of life or any hope at all?” “Well !” said the older man, “ I get about 6d. to 1/- worth of meat from the butcher on Saturday night, and boil the lot.. I never know what he is going to give me, but I get good value, and when I have boiled it, I scoop the fat off the top and I feed a few hens I have got with it. And mixing the fat with ????? and scraps I get given me I manage to get a few eggs in the winter, making a mash of soft food and therefore the butcher’s meat is used twice over.” “ But what about your friend ?” said Mr. Kamm; he is only young yet,” “ they want many 40 or under young people today.” Said the older man. “ At a lot of the works they will not take them on over 40 years of age, because [17] of their pensions schemes;” When they heard this explanation Mr.Kamm and Mr. Bouncer looked at each other and then Mr. Kamm addressed the older of the amateur sextons, “ How would you two chaps like to come to my home for dinner tonight at 6:00 p.m. we will have dinner early. I will invite two other working chaps like yourselves and there will be six of us altogether with Mr. Bouncer + myself. “Well !” said the older deputy sexton, “ We both have decent suits, but not dinner suits.”
“ That’s quite alright.” said Mr. Kamm and repeating his invitation he turned away with Bouncer. Now the woollen manufacturer’s idea was to have dinner with these men + Bouncer and then set off through the town, with an idea that he would get really to know what was going on and these men would be able to take him into places and see the undercurrent of life.in and among the unfortunate people who were out of work and struggling to make a very meagre living.. having arranged with Mr, Bouncer, Mr Kamm went back to the club and arranged for the steward to join the party[17]and bring the poet. At 6:00 o’clock they duly arrived and Bouncer was very nice and behaved like the gentleman he could be when he wished. After dinner the conversation turned to the laws of nature and the teaching in the laws of the New Testament. Mr Bouncer said that nature was cruel and through being cruel only the best of everything survived quoting as examples vegetable and animal life or the survival of the fittest.. Mr Kamm of course took the opposite view and quoted the fall of Rome; Spain, Sparta etc. through using the Laws of Force, and the poet, steward and the two deputy sextons helped in the debate with various suggestions and ideas. At 7:00 o’clock Mr. Kamm proposed that they all adjourned and made ready to see the different phrases of life in town, but before doing so, he had seen Bouncer alone and the cotton Mill flotation expert had agreed to help Mr. Kamm in all his church work; if he could prove that the ordinary working men and women were not as selfish and self-centred as he( Bouncer) said they were. When they were all ready to start Mr. Kamm took them all inside a rather large[19] building and taking a yale key from his pocket, asked them to enter. When the other five went inside they were surprised to find all kinds of best household furniture.a lovely piano, two electric washers, about 5 vacuum cleaners, 2 dozen pairs of blankets wrapped up, and about 4 expensive up to date wireless sets. Also other valuable articles, which were all scrupulously clean. “why!” said Bouncer,” Whatever are you going to do with these? You will want an auctioneers’s licence.” “ No “ said Mr. Kamm, smiling “Listen and I will tell you. Look you know if I wanted I could go away from here and live somewhere where the assessments and other costs are less, like some of our friends have done, but I would rather repair a ship , when it is worth it, than let it sink, so I made up my mind not to go on a cruise or to the South of France this Spring., but help my friends of the middle-class, commonly called ‘Black Coat’ men by purchasing some sort of articles they had taken an agency for, and I was also doing myself a good turn then, because quite a lot of my young friends and some relations [20] and young people attending the church will be getting married and they will want a present , therefore I could afford to buy them; it did a good turn to the men who were selling and the young folk will be pleased, and I shall have the most pleasure of all in giving these presents; taking Bouncer to one side, Mr. Kamm put his hand on the grand piano, “ This is for your nephew.” He said quietly, and by the action he quite won over Bouncer, who, though the nephew was quite a deserving young man, had himself been very mean with him. Mr. Kamm now called out Mr. Bouncer and the steward from the building, thus leaving the two deputy sextons and the poet inside. “ Now!” he said to Mr. Bouncer, “ What do they represent?” Mr. Bouncer said, he did not know. “I do.” Said the steward, and I will tell you, because the three men inside will only take it as a joke and will not be offended.” “Well,” said Mr. Kamm, “ what do they represent?” “ Poverty in the midst of Plenty!” said the steward. “Right first time!” said Mr Kamm, “ Now!” he said , turning to Bouncer, “ I have a reason for doing this. This lesson is for[21] you, friend Bouncer. That farm of yours, which you let to the cattle buyer, who you say always grumbles when he pays you his rent; although through him not being a great scholar, he also grumbles about paying his income tax; and I can tell you he is well padded. I believe there are about 100 acres in the farm. His contract lease is up in a month or so. My plan is this,; offer him 50 acres at above half the rent he is paying now. “ “ Why ?” said Bouncer, “ what is the use of that? What about the other 50 acres?” “ Wait a minute ,” said Mr, Kamm.”I am coming to that; my plan is this, if you are agreeable, I will go half with you on the 50 acres; you know the shape of part of the fifty acres is rectangular. On each of the long sides we will have glass houses, and down the exact centre, we can have poultry cotes, the whole thing making a letter H, and from the centre to the end of the rectangle, we can turn the hens in, the other end will be a market garden. Every year we shall have to change them around, that is the second year our hens will be on the ground that was our market garden and so ad infinitum.. We shall be able to get plant food from your cattle buying tenant; We shall be our own directors[22]and we can approach the growing of crops in a different manner than the general routine. The routine today is to a great extent. Lettuce, followed by tomatoes + chrysanthemums and we will grow these up one long side of the rectangle. On the other side we should plant early mint.10 weeks stocks, forced rhubarb etc. in the opposite glass houses growing them very early, when the price was up. You know there is a protection tariff in England now.” “ Yes .” said Mr. Bouncer., “ But what about all the heat for this. What is it going to cost?” “ It will cost very little.” Said Mr. Kamm.” One end of the field is only 100 yards from my mills and I have old pipes, which stand at nothing in my accounts which will carry it to the houses and through them back again to the Mill and we can get any amount of cheap glass frames from the weaving sheds they are dismantling in the town.” Bouncer was interested in the idea, but after thinking a minute , he said ”But what about the skilled heads to look after the crops and to understand the chemistry of the soil and the markets for the produce?.” “Well,” said Mr. Kamm, smiling; “ It was the poet’s reference to growing tomatoes in the cotton mills, which put the idea of market gardening into my[23]head. He was telling me some time ago that he had studied organic-chemistry, I have had an interview with him before. That is why at the Club I told William, the Steward, that I had seen him going down the street, I had another conversation with him tonight after supper and he seems very keen at the chance of going to the County Agricultural College to study both Poultry breeding and horticulture and I think I have the right man for the head of this concern. Because I have reasons for thinking he is in love with a worthy young lady and this is a lifeline for him.”
Mr. Bouncer called the other four to come up to himself and Mr. Kamm. “ Gentlemen .” he said, “We are about to approach my tenant of the hundred acre farm, in other words, the Cattle Buyer, he has always wanted his rent reducing 50% although it is acknowledged to be one of the cheapest lots of land in the county; so I am going to reduce his holding to 50%, so the other 50% of land will be for us that is what I call 50/50 eh!” said Bouncer. He thought this a very clever joke and beamed around.[24] “Well” said Mr.Kamm “Come on ‘strike while the iron is hot’ Bouncer.” “ Grasp the bull by the horns!” said the Steward.” He will be on the ‘horns’ of a dilemma” said the Poet. “ Kindness always rebounds” said the deputy-deputy sexton, looking at Mr. Bouncer, who either did not or would not see the joke.. It was not above a ten-minute walk to the home of the cattle buyer, and as they walked along, the elder sexton said,” did you hear how the cattle-buyer first got on his feet;” “after doing a bit of creeping for about twelve months” said the deputy-deputy sexton gate who thought he was the wag of the party. “ No” said the elder sexton, giving his subordinate a withering look,” He got his start in life through ‘Bleater’ his man. They have worked together since they were quite young men and they are about my age now., but of course the cattle-buyer is a wealthy man and the ‘Bleater’ only gets his pay which is very small. When I was young folks used to say that the Bleater and his boss used to buy dead cattle in order to slaughter it. Now that’s a ‘Bull’ for you”, he said looking at his mate and then continuing with his story. “while the cattle-buyer was supposed to be killing the animal which was already dead the ‘Bleater’ would be running around the[25]slaughter house ‘ moo-mooing the death throes of a cow or a calf; or baa-baaing’ in the case of a sheep, ‘shrieking’ in the case of a pig. This would have worked for a long time because inspection in those days was not what it is now;- only as at a lot of slaughter houses there was always a lot of young boys playing about the door outside, and ‘ Bleater’ had been; but when the door was opened he and his boss brought out ten sheep the boys wanted to know where the cow was. There would have been no trouble if the ‘Bleater’ had kept sober the night before and not got mixed up in his animal impersonations.” “ But you have not heard the latest story of the ‘Bleater’ : “ said the steward. “ What is that?“ they all asked, in chorus. “ Well,” said the Steward, ”Bleater’ is a great man with cattle, but when he goes to the ‘Blue Pigeon’ which is his ‘spiritual’ home., when he can afford it; and he has mixed his drinks; he begins to swagger over about how he can handle cattle; If one of the Spanish Bull fighters heard him they would die of envy. Well the other patrons of ‘The Blue Pigeon’ along with some of ‘bleater’s‘ pals planned a great joke on him. On his way home the ‘Bleater had to pass a paddock where the cattle-buyer kept a very playful and lively bull; now before the Landlord called time, some of ‘Bleaters’ bosom pals opened the[26] gate of the paddock so the ‘Bull’ would be in the field through which ‘Bleater’ would pass, and some chaps say they even gave the ‘Bull’ a drink of whisky from the outside of the paddock. When the ‘Bull’ made for ‘Bleater’ like a Derby winner and they both raced for the Hedge. ‘Edge Stakes’ and ‘Bleater’ won by a head, but the ‘Bull’ helped him to run. Of course he got a lot of skit over this which did not make him feel at all happy; and it rankled, so one night when coming through the same field on the way home he saw a young bull, which he chased and belaboured with a stick until he reached the edge of the field and the young bull looked at him in a ‘what is this for?’. ‘Bleater’ said to the young bull, “Go and tell your father that I have given you what he gave me the other night.” There was a general laugh when the steward had told this story “ Do you wish to see him alone?” said Mr. Kamm to Bouncer. “ No!” said Mr. Bouncer,” We are all in this Market Gardening cum Poultry breeding stunt; so we will see him in a body.” As they approached the house they could see two men who seemed to be in a violent altercation; one was the cattle buyer and the other one was ‘Bleater’, and behind ‘Bleater’ was a horse harnessed to a milk float.” What have you brought[27] the milk float back her for?” said the cattle buyer to ‘Bleater’. “ The Milk Inspector is down the road;” said ‘Bleater’. “ Well what about it?” said his boss and partner of many adventures,” The milk is alright.”
“ it was when I set off.” Said’ Bleater’, “ But it isn’t now” and he looked very sorry for himself. Now the wind was blowing in the direction of Mr. Kamm and his five guests and as both the other two were shouting the other six heard all that was said and of course, when the cattle-buyer turned around he was quite surprised to see the deputation so near. “ Good evening!” he said” To whom do I owe the honour of this meeting?” He said, looking at Bouncer very suspiciously. “ Have you room at the farm, where you could put a mare or two up?” said Bouncer. Now the cattle-buyer thought Bouncer meant ‘Mayors’ from the town, because being six men present he thought it was some kind of deputation and wondered if someone was going to offer him the freedom of the Borough or a Knighthood or something; but because he had called all politicians of all parties indiscriminately and he knew that the rest of the public would sooner see him in jail than anywhere else because of his company promoting? Had left him more enemies than friends. His money had not all been made out of cattle by a long way, and he looked at Mr. Bouncer in a puzzled manner.” Mayors!” he said. “I can put them up for the weekend, but I have only[28]an housekeeper and a maid. ”Why?” said Mr. Bouncer, “You do not think we want a Housekeeper and a maid to look after mares. Do you?” The Poet suddenly started to smile and then to laugh heartily. “ I do believe,” He said, “that our friend thinks we have come to offer him the freedom of the city or town rather as we have not arrived at that destination yet. Don’t you see, he thought you meant ‘mayors’ of towns.” “ Well! “ said Mr. Bouncer, “ I am sorry! If I had known he would have heard the town’s brass band; this occasion is worthy of it; we could have given a good subscription and it could have marched us up to the farm; no, I am afraid there will be no title flying about: not unless you do some service to the commonwealth, but that means lowering your bank account and then the powers that be would be puzzled to find a title for you.” “ Lord Overbleater” said the deputy, deputy sexton quietly : still thinking he was the wag of the party, and Mr. Kamm laughed. “ What did he say?” said the cattle-buyer suspiciously, “ Never heard it put neater.” Said the wag and looked as serious as possible, but Mr. Kamm had hard work not to smile; at this point the cattle buyer seemed to remember that ‘Bleater’ had returned without delivering the milk; and gave him an angry glance[29]but the Cattle-buyer was in a quandary; he did not know that the argument had been carried by the wind to his six visitors and Mr. Kamm wanted to get the business over since it was 7:30 so he told the cattle-buyer that the six of them had unintentionally heard him and Mr. Bleater arguing about the watered milk. “ have you another churn of perfect milk anywhere about?” said ‘Bouncer’ “ Yes !” said Bleater, “ There’s another one in the barn to go out with the morning milk;” “Well, “ said Bouncer” change them about and leave the other to feed the pigs with.” No sooner had this been done, before the Inspector arrived. He must have been on the lookout for ‘Bleater’, but as we have seen he was toolate. The excuse made was that ‘Bleater’ had been taken ill very suddenly and had to turn back. “I think it is a matter of nervous strain.” Said the cattle-buyer; “He’s too old to be getting ‘canned up’“ said the milk Inspector. “ He wants to add more water to it !” said the deputy, deputy sexton; who could not resist the joke. When the Inspector had left, Mr. Kamm and Mr. Bouncer explained to the cattle-buyer their plan appertaining taking half his land and he was very interested, especially, when he knew Mr. Kamm was in on the transaction. “ Our idea,” said Mr. Kamm,” is that you pay the full rent for this year for your 100 acres, but the rent for 50 acres will be accredited to you for shares in the New Deal “ Market Gardens and [30] Poultry Produce Co.. “ Wait a minute1” said the cattle buyer,” I still pay for 100 acres rent to Bouncer and I have only 50 acres for my cattle. You are quite right about me being mixed up about the mares. If I pay the whole rent and only have half the land for myself; I shall have been looking for a ‘mare’s nest’ and shall have to go into a ‘mental home’ before I have worked this sum out.” And he looked across at ‘Bouncer’ in a ‘ I do not trust thee Doctor Fell” manner! Mr. Kamm hastened to explain to him that Mr. Bouncer and himself were in for the majority of the shares, in fact all but the 50% of rent which the cattle-buyer would have as a part of the money value of the whole. That is if the total cost was £1000 and his rent for 50 acres was £50 per annum, the cattle buyer’s share would be 1 twentieth of the whole £1000, but he would only pay one year’s rent for shares and he also explained about the mares, to turn on the ground for mushroom growing; “ Will you come along with us now?” said Mr.Kamm,” We have a lot of leeway to make up.”
Has John to come?” said the cattle-buyer,” I will get a boy to take the milk, of course he meant ‘the Bleater’; “ Certainly, if you wish it.” Said Mr. Kamm, “ it will be a chance for him and all expenses are on me tonight!” “Our side is getting stronger every minute” said Mr. Bouncer, who was thoroughly enjoying himself. “ Where do we go now?” They all looked at each [31]other. “ Will you go with me to Coupon Row?” said the Steward “ Any where, but we shall have to get moving.” Said Mr. Bouncer. “ We want to finish at ‘The Spotted Dog’” said the’Poet’.” Where is Coupon row, anyhow?” “ It isn’t its proper name.” said the Steward,” It is a squalid neighbourhood where ‘ Little Eva’ lives.” It is really a square; not a row.” “Whoever is ‘Little Eva’” said 2 or 3 of them at once. “It sounds like ‘Uncle Tom’s cabin’. “I will give you a bit of information about it. This ‘ Little Eva’ weighs about 250lbs. and looks well although her husband is out of work, but they have an income of about 30/- a week. You must not do what the man at the shop did, when she went with her husband to buy him a new suit.. he is a very little man and clean shaven. You must not mistake him for her son.. The man at the shop thought he was and when she asked him if there Was any discount on the suit; he said No, but you can have a balloon for the lad. Although this occurred years ago, it is still a sore point with her. Although she is a very good natural woman.” The Steward also said that he was related to little Eva’s husband and he would introduce them, because he went regularly on business. “ We shall have a house-full when we get inside!” said the Steward[32] In a short time they arrived at The Square. Stepping forward, the Steward knocked on the door, which was opened by a very large and rather good-looking woman, whom they all presumed must be ‘ Little Eva’. “ Whatever has happened?” she said looking at the 8 of them. “ Bring him in, if there has been an accident!” the poor woman was sure her husband had been hurt and they were bringing him home. The deputy, deputy sexton made a remark about the 8 of them being circus directors looking for a Fat Lady, but in the hubbub Little Eva did not hear him. Whilst the Steward was introducing the men to Little Eva she still seemed to think there had been an accident as there was quite a lot of noise at the door, so the poet went back to the door to see what was the matter. “ There’s a boy here!” he said,” with a parcel”. “ I will see who it is.” Said Eva. “ I didn’t want him to come in .” said the’poet’” Unless you wanted to buy something.” “ Why. It is my husband !” said Eva, “ Getting me all worried like this,” she said and gave him a light tap on the head, more of an affectionate tap than an angry one. “ You should not worry like this, my dear!” said the little man to his wife. “ You know.” He said addressing the[33]Company. “ She is losing weight, I have grumbled at them paying us two only 26/- before we got our income a week, you know they ought to have paid us by weight. You see what I mean. Two single men would get 34/- , that is 17/- each yet if they were little men like me their total weight would only be220lbs.; but before ‘Eva’ lost the 20lbs she used to weigh 270lbs and myself 110= that is a total of380lbs. therefore 26/- is not enough they should pay by weight!” The deputy, deputy sexton could not resist getting one back “What about a mother and son, they get less than 26/-.” “ You’ve lost your argument.” Said Little Eva as she laughed with the rest at the joke. The Steward explained to the husband and wife Mr. Kamm’s idea for doing something for the unemployed of the town and how both Mr. Kamm, Mr. Bouncer and the ‘Cattle-Buyer’ were in it as a Company to benefit the town as a whole; and Mr. Kamm wanted to know why they called it Coupon Row. “Well !” she said, “As we are all friends here I may as well tell you that during the football season, which is nearly over, we all join at paying in for the ‘coupons’ and we have won a few times, but no big prizes, but each household has a copy; but I make them out and get a small sum for doing the sums. We only trouble ourselves with the big Coupon firms. There is ‘Bonzos’ ‘Diddleums’ and’ Loosers’. Mr. Bouncer was quite interested in the ‘Coupon pool’[34]and wanted to know all about them; and she explained that they all had a copy.” How? If they lose their copy?” said the Steward. “ Well there are about 30 houses in the square.” Said the ample lady, ”and some make their own coupons out besides” “ Well !” said Mr. Kamm.”I understand most of the folks in the square are on relief of some kind.; how do they manage to find the cash for the coupons?” “ That is easy, some have a 6d. line and some have a 1d line and the postage is arranged from the oddments left over from the winning, which is a common pool; it stands at about 4/- now.” “ Are they all filled in for this week ?” said Mr. Bouncer” All but 18 penny lines.” Said the master couponist. “will you fill them up for me?” said Mr. Bouncer.” And I will pay for them.” At this point her husband interrupted. “She has a wonderful memory.” He said, looking at his better half admiringly. “ just look at this coupon.” He said handing Mr. Bouncer one of Bonzo’s coupons, “ Listen to her recite the 15 lines.” The lady did so with hardly a mistake and then she proceeded to make out Bouncer’s 18 penny lines. “ I wonder,” she said, looking hard at Bouncer, “ If you will win; I think there will be a lot of drawn games this week, because the players will all be fighting[35] for their places next season.” She said giving Mr. Bouncer his copy “How will these people know if they have won if they do not buy a paper?” said Mr. Bouncer ”Some have a radio and hear it in the news.” Said’ Little Eva’, “ but I have better way than that,” said the hostess, “Just for argument sake, we will say Mr. Black in our street won with his penny line. I should put a little black clock in the window stuck on with a gelative and so on.” “ What would you do for Mr. Kamm?” said Bouncer; “ a little wool stuck on the window with gelative!” said the very witty lady. Here the deputy, deputy sexton butted in again, “ What about a leg of mutton stuck on the window with gelative?” he said. But the lady was one too many for him, “ I dare not do that,” she said “On our income my husband and myself would want a leg of mutton to eat and of they saw it in the window they would think the butcher had won a thousand or two and there would be a queue at his shop waiting for free meat, because he has a go at the coupon sometimes. You know the reason they put their coupon on with us is because those on the means test would have to spend their winnings, before proceeding with fresh means test money, but coming through my name, with us having a small income now. I get so much % from it and nobody really knows who has won it. Of course they trust me and have done for years now.” “ But,” said Mr. Kamm[36]”It makes me feel sad that so many of our townsmen and people all over the country have to do this in order to make a sufficient livelihood. It is gambling!”