“The Mathamatical Charlady ” Or “The Ressurrection of Bugsville”
the text begins with a list of characters; they do not necessarily appear in the story, there are also ideas for further development and an attempt to avoid legal challenge for defamation!
“ I was only going to tell you,” said Mr.Kamm.”That a 7lb. pair of blankets should be 66”by86” inches and 8lbs 4” longer and 4” wider that is 70” and 90” and so on” Before Bouncer had time to reply, Mr. Kamm who had been glancing through the club room window while conversing with him, suddenly turned round to the steward, who was attending to his duties nearby. “ William!” he said, “I have seen that friend of yours going down the street, you know the man you told me about the other day, and said he was a bachelor , and an unemployed cotton operative and a bit of a ‘poet’.
He looks very doleful this morning.”
“yes.” Said the steward,” He will be more doleful than ever, because he has been put on the ‘means test’. You know,” said the steward, “he is a very comical chap and says that if he has to stay on the ‘means test’ any length of time. He hopes that he will not look as ‘mean’ as some that are not and have a very long chance of even being on it. Oh Mr. Kamm !” said the steward.” Have you read any of his poems.
Because I have two of them with me, you can read them if you wish to.” Whilst he was (rood words) speaking he handed two slips of paper over to the woollen merchant, and Mr.Kamm began to recite evidently them. Mr. Bouncer being opposite had to listen or leave the room, and the steward stood mainly to have Mr. Kamm’s opinion of his friend’s poetry. The first one had evidently been written whilst the cotton operative was happy and contented and was trying to make himself a perfect Christian and was entitled:
‘He who content of heart’
He who content of heart
Can see the Blue o’er the green of the trees
Lilt in tune with the larks
And hear harp strings in the breath of the breeze
Chorus Saying merrily, cheerily merrily
Good morning,
Good morning [6]
2nd. Verse
Sees God in the swarm of life
And follows the path though weary and worn
Firm to the end of Strife
Lays down the burden for the great unknown
Saying wearily cheerily wearily.
“Not so bad!” said Mr. Kamm. Now we will read the other one.= Why there is a change in our friends outlook on life. Listen to the title,
‘A doleful ditty.’
I am walking through the mud and grime
To land at my appointed time.
For I must be there wet or fine
To sign upon the dotted line.
Chorus
And when the clerk signs my last docket,
And tells me that he’ll have to stop it,
Then I know it’s time to hop it
Underneath the workhouse clock. [7]
“Ha! Ha!” said Mr. Kamm.” Your friend has a sense of humour as well as a sense of rhyme. “Yes.” said William, ”but his sense of humour would get him into serious trouble if he took it into his head to get all his prose and rhyme printed. “ Why?” said Mr.Kamm, there’s nothing wrong with these two short poems; that is there is nothing to which anyone could object.” “ No!” said William,” Not in these two, but I was thinking of some prose he hasn’t printed. You know the Modern four storey mill belonging to the “Glory Bex” Spinning Company, which has been standing idle for about 4 years, you know the one the brokers bought for a very small price and sent the machinery to India or Timbuctu,.You know, when they sold the machinery they thought they would not have to pay rates for it. They call it “business integrity”, but he calls it “ Business disintegration”.. Well he has some idea about this empty mill.. You know on the top storey the walls are built up above the roof all around the mill and full of water to feed the sprinklers in case of fire. This could be surrounded with coloured pictures of, Brighton, Bournemouth and other resorts[8],so that the swimmers or bathers (it would not be so deep) would (along with a vivid imagination) think they were at one or other of these resorts; and at the same time be saving their railway fare. Now in the 3rd. or 4th. Storeys they would be able to keep hens and they would be able to get more eggs, because being lit up through night and day it would fool the hens and they would be working overtime without knowing it.. The second storey would be grand for tomatoes, because they would be able to use the leaving from the hens to feed the plants with.” “And what about the bottom storey?” said Mr.Kamm “They would keep pigs in that!” said William.”And then all the people that had worked there, hither to, when the Mill had served its legitimate purpose would be able to swap their ‘dole’ or ‘means test’ money for “eggs,’ hens, tomatoes or bacon” There is one thing though, my poet friend says, if this plan went through, the offices appertaining to it would have to be next to the pig styes on the bottom storey; boxed or boarded off of course.
“ Why” said Mr Kamm,” was your friend so persistent[9] in wanting the offices near the pig styes?”
“That is the big joke!” said William,” They would be near the styes so that every time the pigs grunted. and the Directors were having a meeting they would hear the pigs grunting and it would remind them that as long as the pigs grunted, that they could always get a fresh mortgage and were therefore ‘saving their bacon’ ’” Whilst William had been speaking Bouncer had been glaring at the unsuspecting steward and if baleful looks could have killed the steward would have already departed this life.
On William’s departure, Bouncer turned his angry glance on to Mr. Kamm. “Sheer impertinence!” he spluttered; “Is it not enough that I am paying about 7/- in the pound of my taxes to his cynical, moaning; work shirking; tenth rate poet of a friend, without having to listen to all this insult.” “ wait a moment!” said Mr. Kamm,” How long have you been such a howling conservative. You sound like a blue-blooded Norman [10]You and I went to the same public school and attended the same place of Worship, and you were a decent chap until you got bitten by this re-organisation and inflation in order to get sixpence for tuppence, and just because you lose a small sum from that, which was never really yours, you are bitter and have hateful thoughts of one who has only a few shillings a week to live on after all in your inflations you caught the mackeral without having to use any sprats for bait. Therefore do not grumble if you are paying out in ‘means test’ the sprats you should have given out in the first place to hook the mackerel. Surely you don’t want both your halfpenny and your gingerbread!” Mr Kamm’s hard-hitting reply to Bouncer’s outburst now brought forth Bouncer’s last and most malicious answer, and to use a boxing term a terrible hit below the belt. “ You did not tell me,” he said,” that our charwoman was a good customer at the ‘Spotted Dog’.” “ Charwoman!” said Mr. Kamm “ oh you mean the lady that cleans and dusts here?” “Lady!” said Bouncer in a disgusted tone.” I mean the woman, who makes her living, or part of it, by working for us at this club!” “ Well.” said Mr. Kamm,”She has to work for her living, because her father lost his money in the financial crash, and also his position; which trouble allayed to declining health, was the cause of his premature death.” Now although Mr. Kamm answered Bouncer in this way he felt very uneasy, because he knew that the ‘charwoman’, as Bouncer called her had been left alone in the world, just after she had matriculated and had only had a pound or two to carry on with after all debts and expenses had been paid. The lady in question was well known, both to himself and Bouncer; and he now knew that Bouncer suspected, what he thought only himself knew; that he Mr.Kamm, was very fond of her. In fact what Bouncer did not know was that the woollen manufacturer had pleaded with her to marry him., and when she refused him he had offered to fund her money to carry on any business or undertaking she would like to enter, but she had steadily refused all help. There was a disparity of about 5 years in their ages and she was alonely, pretty lady, refined and kindly, nicely built and a sensible woman indeed[12] Now Mr. Kamm; thought it was time to change the subject and at the same time to see for himself how much truth there was in Bouncer’s statement. “Now!” he said, “Bouncer, how would you manage if you were left on your own with no money to carry on with. How would you manage to make a living?”
“Well!” said Bouncer aggressively, “I could manage if they could!”
“I wonder?” answered Mr. Kamm, “ I think our charlady, as you call her, if left in those circumstances= if left in those circumstances I’ve told you she was= would beat you in getting out of the rut, if you both started equal.”
“Her father would most likely have something salted away for her.” Said Bouncer with a sneer “There you are .” said Mr. Kamm. “ judging others from what you would do yourself. Now be a decent chap, when a person or persons are struggling to get out of the rut, give them credit for it. “ Well !” said Bouncer. “ I will bet you ten pounds that she had at least a three figure sum when her father died.” “You know I am a Sunday School Superintendent, and a local preacher.” Said Mr. Kamm; ”but if it is kept between us two, I will take you on. That is to say if her father left her less than£10 I have won. If over £10 you will win.[13
“"alright.” Said Bouncer, thinking how easily he was going to win his money. Now it was a very strange phenomenon, that although Bouncer was a very contradictory and overbearing personality, he thought well of Mr. Kamm, and when the latter said he was going home and would walk it., for the benefit of his health’ the other offered to accompany him, as they did not live far apart., of course Bouncer did not walk for the benefit of his health, but to save his bus fare. Before they parted for their different homes, their road went through the middle of a churchyard and they both noticed that there were two men engaged in highering the side stones belonging to a grave at the head of which was a very large tombstone on which was engraved among the other formalities, two clasped hands, and the two men were arguing about whose wife she would be when she departed this life; because she had married again after the demise of her first husband, who lay in the grave on which the two men were working. The men’s ages seemed to be about 68 and 50 years. “ Good afternoon.” Said the older of the two, “ You see we have undertaken a grave responsibility[14]. We are trying to make this grave look nice for Easter. As you see the side stones have sunk badly and we have borrowed the sexton’s planks to raise them up., and as we could not see him anywhere about we have taken French Leave of them. We have also borrowed two spades and some buckets. The conditions are that we dig two feet down and replace the clay by loam; now this bright youngster(referring to his mate of about 50 years) wants to take off a few inches of clay and put in its place a few inches deep of loam, that is all because he does not want to help me carry about 20 bucketfuls of the soil from that farm over there; partly because we have not asked permission of the farmer. I will ask his permission after we have got it., for his chief reason is that he does not want to carry it. Of course to give him credit he is on the dole and is afraid of being caught; but he will be alright, because we are only getting eighteen pence between us, ninepence each. That will make his pay this week17/9 and mine 10/9. I don’t think we should have earned hem few coppers, only the lady is not on the best of terms[15] with her second husband and is only putting the grave ship-shape in order to get back at him for some real or fancied offence that he has given to her. I feel certain that she will come along to church on Sunday bringing her second hubby with her and she will also tread the soil to make sure we have earned our ninepences and at the same time make it appear to all her friends that her first and only love lies under my feet. ( the old man was right for this was exactly what happened) “No! You young Jackanapes,we will do as this lady asked us to do. According to the old Book I have only 3 years of my life to go to attain 70 years, the allotted span, and my motto is ‘live a day at a time,’ say your prayers every day + ‘do as you would be done by’. And when my time comes I shall be ready,” and he said, looking at his mate,” I should advise you to do the same this next fifteen years, while you are getting ready for your old age pension; that is if you are spared til then. As the two gentlemen continued on their way, Bouncer said to Kamm, “Don’t you see that the working folks are just as bad as the capitalist, all of them wanting something for nothing. “ “ Yes !” said Kamm; “ But they are very conscientious about it”[16] After proceeding for a few yards Mr. Kamm said to Mr. Bouncer, ”Will you turn back to those two men and see what they have planned for their future; that is unless they plan to go on as they are;” they both turned back and Mr. Kamm approached the older of the two deputy sextons. “ Have you any plans,” he said, “of getting work or doing something to get more of the comforts of life or any hope at all?” “Well !” said the older man, “ I get about 6d. to 1/- worth of meat from the butcher on Saturday night, and boil the lot.. I never know what he is going to give me, but I get good value, and when I have boiled it, I scoop the fat off the top and I feed a few hens I have got with it. And mixing the fat with ????? and scraps I get given me I manage to get a few eggs in the winter, making a mash of soft food and therefore the butcher’s meat is used twice over.” “ But what about your friend ?” said Mr. Kamm; he is only young yet,” “ they want many 40 or under young people today.” Said the older man. “ At a lot of the works they will not take them on over 40 years of age, because [17] of their pensions schemes;” When they heard this explanation Mr.Kamm and Mr. Bouncer looked at each other and then Mr. Kamm addressed the older of the amateur sextons, “ How would you two chaps like to come to my home for dinner tonight at 6:00 p.m. we will have dinner early. I will invite two other working chaps like yourselves and there will be six of us altogether with Mr. Bouncer + myself. “Well !” said the older deputy sexton, “ We both have decent suits, but not dinner suits.”
“ That’s quite alright.” said Mr. Kamm and repeating his invitation he turned away with Bouncer. Now the woollen manufacturer’s idea was to have dinner with these men + Bouncer and then set off through the town, with an idea that he would get really to know what was going on and these men would be able to take him into places and see the undercurrent of life.in and among the unfortunate people who were out of work and struggling to make a very meagre living.. having arranged with Mr, Bouncer, Mr Kamm went back to the club and arranged for the steward to join the party[17]and bring the poet. At 6:00 o’clock they duly arrived and Bouncer was very nice and behaved like the gentleman he could be when he wished. After dinner the conversation turned to the laws of nature and the teaching in the laws of the New Testament. Mr Bouncer said that nature was cruel and through being cruel only the best of everything survived quoting as examples vegetable and animal life or the survival of the fittest.. Mr Kamm of course took the opposite view and quoted the fall of Rome; Spain, Sparta etc. through using the Laws of Force, and the poet, steward and the two deputy sextons helped in the debate with various suggestions and ideas. At 7:00 o’clock Mr. Kamm proposed that they all adjourned and made ready to see the different phrases of life in town, but before doing so, he had seen Bouncer alone and the cotton Mill flotation expert had agreed to help Mr. Kamm in all his church work; if he could prove that the ordinary working men and women were not as selfish and self-centred as he( Bouncer) said they were. When they were all ready to start Mr. Kamm took them all inside a rather large[19] building and taking a yale key from his pocket, asked them to enter. When the other five went inside they were surprised to find all kinds of best household furniture.a lovely piano, two electric washers, about 5 vacuum cleaners, 2 dozen pairs of blankets wrapped up, and about 4 expensive up to date wireless sets. Also other valuable articles, which were all scrupulously clean. “why!” said Bouncer,” Whatever are you going to do with these? You will want an auctioneers’s licence.” “ No “ said Mr. Kamm, smiling “Listen and I will tell you. Look you know if I wanted I could go away from here and live somewhere where the assessments and other costs are less, like some of our friends have done, but I would rather repair a ship , when it is worth it, than let it sink, so I made up my mind not to go on a cruise or to the South of France this Spring., but help my friends of the middle-class, commonly called ‘Black Coat’ men by purchasing some sort of articles they had taken an agency for, and I was also doing myself a good turn then, because quite a lot of my young friends and some relations [20] and young people attending the church will be getting married and they will want a present , therefore I could afford to buy them; it did a good turn to the men who were selling and the young folk will be pleased, and I shall have the most pleasure of all in giving these presents; taking Bouncer to one side, Mr. Kamm put his hand on the grand piano, “ This is for your nephew.” He said quietly, and by the action he quite won over Bouncer, who, though the nephew was quite a deserving young man, had himself been very mean with him. Mr. Kamm now called out Mr. Bouncer and the steward from the building, thus leaving the two deputy sextons and the poet inside. “ Now!” he said to Mr. Bouncer, “ What do they represent?” Mr. Bouncer said, he did not know. “I do.” Said the steward, and I will tell you, because the three men inside will only take it as a joke and will not be offended.” “Well,” said Mr. Kamm, “ what do they represent?” “ Poverty in the midst of Plenty!” said the steward. “Right first time!” said Mr Kamm, “ Now!” he said , turning to Bouncer, “ I have a reason for doing this. This lesson is for[21] you, friend Bouncer. That farm of yours, which you let to the cattle buyer, who you say always grumbles when he pays you his rent; although through him not being a great scholar, he also grumbles about paying his income tax; and I can tell you he is well padded. I believe there are about 100 acres in the farm. His contract lease is up in a month or so. My plan is this,; offer him 50 acres at above half the rent he is paying now. “ “ Why ?” said Bouncer, “ what is the use of that? What about the other 50 acres?” “ Wait a minute ,” said Mr, Kamm.”I am coming to that; my plan is this, if you are agreeable, I will go half with you on the 50 acres; you know the shape of part of the fifty acres is rectangular. On each of the long sides we will have glass houses, and down the exact centre, we can have poultry cotes, the whole thing making a letter H, and from the centre to the end of the rectangle, we can turn the hens in, the other end will be a market garden. Every year we shall have to change them around, that is the second year our hens will be on the ground that was our market garden and so ad infinitum.. We shall be able to get plant food from your cattle buying tenant; We shall be our own directors[22]and we can approach the growing of crops in a different manner than the general routine. The routine today is to a great extent. Lettuce, followed by tomatoes + chrysanthemums and we will grow these up one long side of the rectangle. On the other side we should plant early mint.10 weeks stocks, forced rhubarb etc. in the opposite glass houses growing them very early, when the price was up. You know there is a protection tariff in England now.” “ Yes .” said Mr. Bouncer., “ But what about all the heat for this. What is it going to cost?” “ It will cost very little.” Said Mr. Kamm.” One end of the field is only 100 yards from my mills and I have old pipes, which stand at nothing in my accounts which will carry it to the houses and through them back again to the Mill and we can get any amount of cheap glass frames from the weaving sheds they are dismantling in the town.” Bouncer was interested in the idea, but after thinking a minute , he said ”But what about the skilled heads to look after the crops and to understand the chemistry of the soil and the markets for the produce?.” “Well,” said Mr. Kamm, smiling; “ It was the poet’s reference to growing tomatoes in the cotton mills, which put the idea of market gardening into my[23]head. He was telling me some time ago that he had studied organic-chemistry, I have had an interview with him before. That is why at the Club I told William, the Steward, that I had seen him going down the street, I had another conversation with him tonight after supper and he seems very keen at the chance of going to the County Agricultural College to study both Poultry breeding and horticulture and I think I have the right man for the head of this concern. Because I have reasons for thinking he is in love with a worthy young lady and this is a lifeline for him.”
Mr. Bouncer called the other four to come up to himself and Mr. Kamm. “ Gentlemen .” he said, “We are about to approach my tenant of the hundred acre farm, in other words, the Cattle Buyer, he has always wanted his rent reducing 50% although it is acknowledged to be one of the cheapest lots of land in the county; so I am going to reduce his holding to 50%, so the other 50% of land will be for us that is what I call 50/50 eh!” said Bouncer. He thought this a very clever joke and beamed around.[24] “Well” said Mr.Kamm “Come on ‘strike while the iron is hot’ Bouncer.” “ Grasp the bull by the horns!” said the Steward.” He will be on the ‘horns’ of a dilemma” said the Poet. “ Kindness always rebounds” said the deputy-deputy sexton, looking at Mr. Bouncer, who either did not or would not see the joke.. It was not above a ten-minute walk to the home of the cattle buyer, and as they walked along, the elder sexton said,” did you hear how the cattle-buyer first got on his feet;” “after doing a bit of creeping for about twelve months” said the deputy-deputy sexton gate who thought he was the wag of the party. “ No” said the elder sexton, giving his subordinate a withering look,” He got his start in life through ‘Bleater’ his man. They have worked together since they were quite young men and they are about my age now., but of course the cattle-buyer is a wealthy man and the ‘Bleater’ only gets his pay which is very small. When I was young folks used to say that the Bleater and his boss used to buy dead cattle in order to slaughter it. Now that’s a ‘Bull’ for you”, he said looking at his mate and then continuing with his story. “while the cattle-buyer was supposed to be killing the animal which was already dead the ‘Bleater’ would be running around the[25]slaughter house ‘ moo-mooing the death throes of a cow or a calf; or baa-baaing’ in the case of a sheep, ‘shrieking’ in the case of a pig. This would have worked for a long time because inspection in those days was not what it is now;- only as at a lot of slaughter houses there was always a lot of young boys playing about the door outside, and ‘ Bleater’ had been; but when the door was opened he and his boss brought out ten sheep the boys wanted to know where the cow was. There would have been no trouble if the ‘Bleater’ had kept sober the night before and not got mixed up in his animal impersonations.” “ But you have not heard the latest story of the ‘Bleater’ : “ said the steward. “ What is that?“ they all asked, in chorus. “ Well,” said the Steward, ”Bleater’ is a great man with cattle, but when he goes to the ‘Blue Pigeon’ which is his ‘spiritual’ home., when he can afford it; and he has mixed his drinks; he begins to swagger over about how he can handle cattle; If one of the Spanish Bull fighters heard him they would die of envy. Well the other patrons of ‘The Blue Pigeon’ along with some of ‘bleater’s‘ pals planned a great joke on him. On his way home the ‘Bleater had to pass a paddock where the cattle-buyer kept a very playful and lively bull; now before the Landlord called time, some of ‘Bleaters’ bosom pals opened the[26] gate of the paddock so the ‘Bull’ would be in the field through which ‘Bleater’ would pass, and some chaps say they even gave the ‘Bull’ a drink of whisky from the outside of the paddock. When the ‘Bull’ made for ‘Bleater’ like a Derby winner and they both raced for the Hedge. ‘Edge Stakes’ and ‘Bleater’ won by a head, but the ‘Bull’ helped him to run. Of course he got a lot of skit over this which did not make him feel at all happy; and it rankled, so one night when coming through the same field on the way home he saw a young bull, which he chased and belaboured with a stick until he reached the edge of the field and the young bull looked at him in a ‘what is this for?’. ‘Bleater’ said to the young bull, “Go and tell your father that I have given you what he gave me the other night.” There was a general laugh when the steward had told this story “ Do you wish to see him alone?” said Mr. Kamm to Bouncer. “ No!” said Mr. Bouncer,” We are all in this Market Gardening cum Poultry breeding stunt; so we will see him in a body.” As they approached the house they could see two men who seemed to be in a violent altercation; one was the cattle buyer and the other one was ‘Bleater’, and behind ‘Bleater’ was a horse harnessed to a milk float.” What have you brought[27] the milk float back her for?” said the cattle buyer to ‘Bleater’. “ The Milk Inspector is down the road;” said ‘Bleater’. “ Well what about it?” said his boss and partner of many adventures,” The milk is alright.”
“ it was when I set off.” Said’ Bleater’, “ But it isn’t now” and he looked very sorry for himself. Now the wind was blowing in the direction of Mr. Kamm and his five guests and as both the other two were shouting the other six heard all that was said and of course, when the cattle-buyer turned around he was quite surprised to see the deputation so near. “ Good evening!” he said” To whom do I owe the honour of this meeting?” He said, looking at Bouncer very suspiciously. “ Have you room at the farm, where you could put a mare or two up?” said Bouncer. Now the cattle-buyer thought Bouncer meant ‘Mayors’ from the town, because being six men present he thought it was some kind of deputation and wondered if someone was going to offer him the freedom of the Borough or a Knighthood or something; but because he had called all politicians of all parties indiscriminately and he knew that the rest of the public would sooner see him in jail than anywhere else because of his company promoting? Had left him more enemies than friends. His money had not all been made out of cattle by a long way, and he looked at Mr. Bouncer in a puzzled manner.” Mayors!” he said. “I can put them up for the weekend, but I have only[28]an housekeeper and a maid. ”Why?” said Mr. Bouncer, “You do not think we want a Housekeeper and a maid to look after mares. Do you?” The Poet suddenly started to smile and then to laugh heartily. “ I do believe,” He said, “that our friend thinks we have come to offer him the freedom of the city or town rather as we have not arrived at that destination yet. Don’t you see, he thought you meant ‘mayors’ of towns.” “ Well! “ said Mr. Bouncer, “ I am sorry! If I had known he would have heard the town’s brass band; this occasion is worthy of it; we could have given a good subscription and it could have marched us up to the farm; no, I am afraid there will be no title flying about: not unless you do some service to the commonwealth, but that means lowering your bank account and then the powers that be would be puzzled to find a title for you.” “ Lord Overbleater” said the deputy, deputy sexton quietly : still thinking he was the wag of the party, and Mr. Kamm laughed. “ What did he say?” said the cattle-buyer suspiciously, “ Never heard it put neater.” Said the wag and looked as serious as possible, but Mr. Kamm had hard work not to smile; at this point the cattle buyer seemed to remember that ‘Bleater’ had returned without delivering the milk; and gave him an angry glance[29]but the Cattle-buyer was in a quandary; he did not know that the argument had been carried by the wind to his six visitors and Mr. Kamm wanted to get the business over since it was 7:30 so he told the cattle-buyer that the six of them had unintentionally heard him and Mr. Bleater arguing about the watered milk. “ have you another churn of perfect milk anywhere about?” said ‘Bouncer’ “ Yes !” said Bleater, “ There’s another one in the barn to go out with the morning milk;” “Well, “ said Bouncer” change them about and leave the other to feed the pigs with.” No sooner had this been done, before the Inspector arrived. He must have been on the lookout for ‘Bleater’, but as we have seen he was toolate. The excuse made was that ‘Bleater’ had been taken ill very suddenly and had to turn back. “I think it is a matter of nervous strain.” Said the cattle-buyer; “He’s too old to be getting ‘canned up’“ said the milk Inspector. “ He wants to add more water to it !” said the deputy, deputy sexton; who could not resist the joke. When the Inspector had left, Mr. Kamm and Mr. Bouncer explained to the cattle-buyer their plan appertaining taking half his land and he was very interested, especially, when he knew Mr. Kamm was in on the transaction. “ Our idea,” said Mr. Kamm,” is that you pay the full rent for this year for your 100 acres, but the rent for 50 acres will be accredited to you for shares in the New Deal “ Market Gardens and [30] Poultry Produce Co.. “ Wait a minute1” said the cattle buyer,” I still pay for 100 acres rent to Bouncer and I have only 50 acres for my cattle. You are quite right about me being mixed up about the mares. If I pay the whole rent and only have half the land for myself; I shall have been looking for a ‘mare’s nest’ and shall have to go into a ‘mental home’ before I have worked this sum out.” And he looked across at ‘Bouncer’ in a ‘ I do not trust thee Doctor Fell” manner! Mr. Kamm hastened to explain to him that Mr. Bouncer and himself were in for the majority of the shares, in fact all but the 50% of rent which the cattle-buyer would have as a part of the money value of the whole. That is if the total cost was £1000 and his rent for 50 acres was £50 per annum, the cattle buyer’s share would be 1 twentieth of the whole £1000, but he would only pay one year’s rent for shares and he also explained about the mares, to turn on the ground for mushroom growing; “ Will you come along with us now?” said Mr.Kamm,” We have a lot of leeway to make up.”
Has John to come?” said the cattle-buyer,” I will get a boy to take the milk, of course he meant ‘the Bleater’; “ Certainly, if you wish it.” Said Mr. Kamm, “ it will be a chance for him and all expenses are on me tonight!” “Our side is getting stronger every minute” said Mr. Bouncer, who was thoroughly enjoying himself. “ Where do we go now?” They all looked at each [31]other. “ Will you go with me to Coupon Row?” said the Steward “ Any where, but we shall have to get moving.” Said Mr. Bouncer. “ We want to finish at ‘The Spotted Dog’” said the’Poet’.” Where is Coupon row, anyhow?” “ It isn’t its proper name.” said the Steward,” It is a squalid neighbourhood where ‘ Little Eva’ lives.” It is really a square; not a row.” “Whoever is ‘Little Eva’” said 2 or 3 of them at once. “It sounds like ‘Uncle Tom’s cabin’. “I will give you a bit of information about it. This ‘ Little Eva’ weighs about 250lbs. and looks well although her husband is out of work, but they have an income of about 30/- a week. You must not do what the man at the shop did, when she went with her husband to buy him a new suit.. he is a very little man and clean shaven. You must not mistake him for her son.. The man at the shop thought he was and when she asked him if there Was any discount on the suit; he said No, but you can have a balloon for the lad. Although this occurred years ago, it is still a sore point with her. Although she is a very good natural woman.” The Steward also said that he was related to little Eva’s husband and he would introduce them, because he went regularly on business. “ We shall have a house-full when we get inside!” said the Steward[32] In a short time they arrived at The Square. Stepping forward, the Steward knocked on the door, which was opened by a very large and rather good-looking woman, whom they all presumed must be ‘ Little Eva’. “ Whatever has happened?” she said looking at the 8 of them. “ Bring him in, if there has been an accident!” the poor woman was sure her husband had been hurt and they were bringing him home. The deputy, deputy sexton made a remark about the 8 of them being circus directors looking for a Fat Lady, but in the hubbub Little Eva did not hear him. Whilst the Steward was introducing the men to Little Eva she still seemed to think there had been an accident as there was quite a lot of noise at the door, so the poet went back to the door to see what was the matter. “ There’s a boy here!” he said,” with a parcel”. “ I will see who it is.” Said Eva. “ I didn’t want him to come in .” said the’poet’” Unless you wanted to buy something.” “ Why. It is my husband !” said Eva, “ Getting me all worried like this,” she said and gave him a light tap on the head, more of an affectionate tap than an angry one. “ You should not worry like this, my dear!” said the little man to his wife. “ You know.” He said addressing the[33]Company. “ She is losing weight, I have grumbled at them paying us two only 26/- before we got our income a week, you know they ought to have paid us by weight. You see what I mean. Two single men would get 34/- , that is 17/- each yet if they were little men like me their total weight would only be220lbs.; but before ‘Eva’ lost the 20lbs she used to weigh 270lbs and myself 110= that is a total of380lbs. therefore 26/- is not enough they should pay by weight!” The deputy, deputy sexton could not resist getting one back “What about a mother and son, they get less than 26/-.” “ You’ve lost your argument.” Said Little Eva as she laughed with the rest at the joke. The Steward explained to the husband and wife Mr. Kamm’s idea for doing something for the unemployed of the town and how both Mr. Kamm, Mr. Bouncer and the ‘Cattle-Buyer’ were in it as a Company to benefit the town as a whole; and Mr. Kamm wanted to know why they called it Coupon Row. “Well !” she said, “As we are all friends here I may as well tell you that during the football season, which is nearly over, we all join at paying in for the ‘coupons’ and we have won a few times, but no big prizes, but each household has a copy; but I make them out and get a small sum for doing the sums. We only trouble ourselves with the big Coupon firms. There is ‘Bonzos’ ‘Diddleums’ and’ Loosers’. Mr. Bouncer was quite interested in the ‘Coupon pool’[34]and wanted to know all about them; and she explained that they all had a copy.” How? If they lose their copy?” said the Steward. “ Well there are about 30 houses in the square.” Said the ample lady, ”and some make their own coupons out besides” “ Well !” said Mr. Kamm.”I understand most of the folks in the square are on relief of some kind.; how do they manage to find the cash for the coupons?” “ That is easy, some have a 6d. line and some have a 1d line and the postage is arranged from the oddments left over from the winning, which is a common pool; it stands at about 4/- now.” “ Are they all filled in for this week ?” said Mr. Bouncer” All but 18 penny lines.” Said the master couponist. “will you fill them up for me?” said Mr. Bouncer.” And I will pay for them.” At this point her husband interrupted. “She has a wonderful memory.” He said, looking at his better half admiringly. “ just look at this coupon.” He said handing Mr. Bouncer one of Bonzo’s coupons, “ Listen to her recite the 15 lines.” The lady did so with hardly a mistake and then she proceeded to make out Bouncer’s 18 penny lines. “ I wonder,” she said, looking hard at Bouncer, “ If you will win; I think there will be a lot of drawn games this week, because the players will all be fighting[35] for their places next season.” She said giving Mr. Bouncer his copy “How will these people know if they have won if they do not buy a paper?” said Mr. Bouncer ”Some have a radio and hear it in the news.” Said’ Little Eva’, “ but I have better way than that,” said the hostess, “Just for argument sake, we will say Mr. Black in our street won with his penny line. I should put a little black clock in the window stuck on with a gelative and so on.” “ What would you do for Mr. Kamm?” said Bouncer; “ a little wool stuck on the window with gelative!” said the very witty lady. Here the deputy, deputy sexton butted in again, “ What about a leg of mutton stuck on the window with gelative?” he said. But the lady was one too many for him, “ I dare not do that,” she said “On our income my husband and myself would want a leg of mutton to eat and of they saw it in the window they would think the butcher had won a thousand or two and there would be a queue at his shop waiting for free meat, because he has a go at the coupon sometimes. You know the reason they put their coupon on with us is because those on the means test would have to spend their winnings, before proceeding with fresh means test money, but coming through my name, with us having a small income now. I get so much % from it and nobody really knows who has won it. Of course they trust me and have done for years now.” “ But,” said Mr. Kamm[36]”It makes me feel sad that so many of our townsmen and people all over the country have to do this in order to make a sufficient livelihood. It is gambling.
“Well!” said Eva,”I can soon answer that. Do not the government gamble, when they set the lowest standard possible and say they can live on it, they are gambling with the people’s health.” “ Come along,” said Mr. Kamm to his friends’ things will be getting busy there now!” “ forward the Uplift movement! It is now 8:00 o’clock. We are due at the ‘Spotted Dog’” things will be getting busy there now. So they all bid goodnight to ‘Little Eva’ and her smaller half, and in a short time they arrived at a very up-to-date Hotel known as ‘the Spotted Dog’The landlady received them with great charming and wanted them to go in the ‘bar parlour’. Mr. Bouncer and Mr. Kamm acquainted the landlord with what they intended doing with the ‘New deal Market Garden +Poultry Produce Co’ and said that they would like a run of the different rooms in order to get men+ foremen to start the work; such as men who thoroughly understood poultry, a plumber or two and a few thoroughly practical gardeners as well as labourers, if they were not then they would have to get them from the Labour Exchange., so they got the landlord interested too., and he told them that in the tap room most of the men were on the means test and that he also had a room for ladies, where they had a sort of self-help union meetings, whom he supplied with tea coffee and refreshments etc. “Try the taproom first,” he said ; so all of them walked into the ‘taproom’. Standing in the middle of the ‘Taproom’ floor was a rather tall , smart young man, who was very loudly dressed and seemed to have a very good opinion of himself. “ Have another pint on me!” said this individual[37] the pints were £8 80d. for the 16 poor men in the ‘Taproom’. “ Oh look at the most popular man in the town!” said ‘Bleater’ indicating the individual who had ordered the pints. “ we do not need to to see him.” Said the deputy, deputy sexton, “ His suit speaks for him.” “ He won £30,000 in the Irish Sweep a few weeks ago.” Said ‘Bleater’ “ and he orders pints all round on Thursday nights, just as if he . And then the ‘Bleater’ took the job in hand. “ Hasn’t he ordered you anything to eatwas giving £ 1000 to the hospital. He has put his money in gilt edges, these are the only things. These pints are the only things he has been known to pay for, I’ll bet he puts them down on his income tax returns.” The ’Bleater’ seemed to dislike the loudly dressed young man very much. “ He is so greedy,” said the ‘Bleater, “ that he has recently taken a young man , who is working,to live with him, so that he will only have half his rent, coal etc to pay for. If the pretty Irish Colleen who drew his ticket, knew whose hands it has fallen in to, I am sure she would feel sad about it,.” “ My word.” Said Bouncer ”this bird ought to shed a few feathers; how must we approach him? “ Well,” said the ‘Bloater’ “ There is one possible way. The poet and him are in love with two sisters and the two young ladies are in the meeting in the ‘Ladies’ Room ‘ now.2 Mr. Kamm and the Poet knew this ver well. They also knew that the ‘so-called’ Charlady, would be there. “ The best way to get at him,” said ‘ Bleater’ “ is to insult him. “ We cannot let this ‘ Bird of Gorgeous plumage’ get away without shedding a feather or two for the good of the community, by putting some of his surplus cash into the [38] New Deal Market garden and Poultry Produce Co. perhaps the best way would be to frighten him.” “ I think,” said ‘Bleater’ , looking at ‘the poet’ “ If he really is fond of anyone besides his money, it is your future sister-in-law; he does not know which sister you are in love with. Let her in this room and we will see what we can do.” The poet knocked at the door of the ’Ladies Room’ and asked to see his young lady and her sister and in a few words he told them of their plan to make the Greedy One disgorge some of his very easily acquired cash; so the sister came into the tap room with the poet arm-in-arm, looking into each others eyes like any young ‘spoony’ couple and the loudly dressed one was surprised and looked as if he had received a terrible blow. .And then ‘the Bleater’ took the job in hand. “ hasn’t he ordered you anything to eat.” He said looking at the 16 poor men.” Has he ordered nothing to eat!” and beckoning the waiter he ordered two meat pies for each of the 16 men in the taproom and the cattle Buyer said he would pay for them..” Some people are too greedy for anything.” said ‘Bleater. “ Thank your stars;” he said looking at the young lady,” that you are not married to him. He would starve you to death! I can just imagine you two if you were married and having had lunch followed by a two hour walk; you would most likely want him to go to a farm or café for a cup of tea and milk and a bun. And I can imagine his answer.” “ What would his answer be?” asked the lady. “ I can tell you what[39] he would say said ‘Bleater, that you had lunch when he had his. Why the country would be better off if he was dead; he’s only half a man anyhow, “ If he died his landlord would get his rent just the same; and the country would benefit by his deat duties. Money is made to go round and it is doing no good while he has it. “was I not doing a charitable act?” said the gorgeous one, “ No ! Only half a charitable act.” Said ‘Bleater’ . “ What is the good of a pint of beer on an empty stomach. Anyhow what do you think about him?” said ‘Bleater’to the young lady. The young lady motioned him to come to her. “ Have you a bible at home ?” she said. “ There’s the one my mother left me .” He said. “ well will you go home and read Matthew chapter6 verses 1to4and 19th chapter verses 21 and 22. I will write them down and when you come back we shall know on which side you stand. You should be back in a minute or two.” The young man hesitated, but he evidently was not going to lose the young lady so easily and went home after all he thought it would cost him nothing. “I will be back in about 20 minutes.” he said. Towards the right hand corner of the taproom was a very sad-looking individual of about 60 years of age. “ That man seems to take his pleasures sadly.” Said the ‘poet’.” Yes1 “ said the Landlord, who had settled himself down with Mr. Kamm’s party. “ You know he was so fed up with doing odd jobs, that and being on and off the dole; so he made his mind up he would not work at all; if he set out in the morning after work, he would go first to the firms who were slack, and by the time he got to the firms[40]that were busy they had taken on enough men, which is what he had intended them doing and then he Was lively getting himself a house very near the Unemployment Exchange, so that he could be near his work. He had only been there a few days when someone found him a regular soutalens job, and that is why he is taking his beer sadly. I will go into the Bar Parlour,” said thelandlord,”There seems to be a lot of fun going on in there; Come on “ He said to the 8 of them, “ I think Toby Shovel is in there.” Another title.” Said the deputy-deputy sexton,”.a rose by any other name, would smell as sweet” When they got into the bar parlour a rosy cheeked little fat man was stood in the middle of the floor holding a newspaper in his hand. “Why is it wrong side up?” said the’Poet’. “ Yes” said the landlord ”Why” said one of the gentlemen in the Bar Parlour “It’s very funny if there’s been a terrible storm at sea, but nobody knows of it but you Mr. Shovel. “ well! Look at the paper” said ‘Shovel’. Of course there had been a new ship launched and someone had given ‘Shovel’ the paper wrong side up and telling him at the same time there had been a storm and as he could neither read, write nor sum; he believed it. At this moment a conjurer went into the tap room with a life-sized doll dressed like a man “ Oh” said the deputy sexton, “ I see some fun now; get ‘Shovel’ to come into the taproom, but do not let him know of the ‘Ventriloquist’” Mr Bouncer said that they are going back into the taproom and asked Mr Shovel to accompany them, which that individual with vision of free pints, did so. No sooner had he got into the room than[41] the ventriloquist, who had been put wise to Shovel’s scholastic record, made the doll, which was sat by its master’s side, like a human being, speak in the following manner” Good evening Mr. Shovel. I hope I find you well, and how is Mrs. Shovel and the little sand shovels?” Now ‘ Shovel thought a man was speaking to him, not a doll, because he was at the opposite end of the room. “ I’ll let you know, that my name is not ‘Shovel’” he said, “ there’s a law to stop people calling people slang names in Hingland!” He said bringing his fists down on the table at the word Hingland and he rushed across the room and would have made short work of the doll forcing its silk hat over its head, but for Mr’ Kamm’s party stopping him. “you’re making a lot of noise!” said the landlord to ‘Shovel’.” I’ll pay for a pint if you keep quiet while you’ve finished it, but you must not speak until the mug is empty. ‘Shovel’ smiled; but he did not know what his pint was made up of, pa little gin, partly beer, partly whisky, some claret and goodness knows what, and what the taste would be like will forever be a mystery, but for all the faces he pulled while he was drinking it was a treat to see. On the left hand side of the room was a tall man who was calling the government and also bragging about what a great plasterer he was and making a great noise and the Landlord was remonstrating with him in a quiet way, when a big, pleasant looking fellow came into the room.” What is he making this noise about?” “ Plastering!” said the landlord. “ Plastering ?” said the pleasant looking fellow; “ Why!” he said, “ Yon never could plaster. My boss hasd to sack him, because he put the plaster on wrong side up. Yon was not good enough to be a labourer for him.”. The noisy one sneaked out of the room and the Landlord thanked the pleasant fellow for getting rid of him.[42] “ I am glad someone came in who knew him and could stop his boasting.! Said the landlord.” Oh I don’t know him!” said the pleasant fellow I’ve never seen him before in my life before. I knew anyone with a lot of noise and bounce was not necessarily telling the truth, so I took a gamble and I was right.” At this time ‘Shovel’ was making his noise again, but because he was unoffensive only for making a noise, the landlord ignored him, and was talking to Mr. kamm and some of his party of 8, but soon a general laugh caused the Landlord to take notice. “What is the matter?” he said to the company at large” We were talking over running;” said one of the men “and ‘Shovel’ here says, George here;” indicating one of the company,” cannot run ¼ of a mile while he drinks another pint.” “ I think George can!” said the landlord; but ‘Shovel was persistent, so George had to run 220 yards from the Hotel and 220 yards back while ‘Shovel’ was drinking his pint; but there was a roar when the runner started and ‘Shovel’s’ pint was served boiling hot, so naturally the runner won.” Why talking over running,” said another man to ‘Shovel’ “I have a cat with me, who could beat you, and ‘Shovel’ not to be beaten said that he could beat any cat there was” well,” said the man” You both start from here at the same time and run to my house, but you will have to wait till I get home, because the cat will not leave me.” So they held the cat until certain the man would be at home; and then ‘Shovel’ and Tom the pussy both set off together and ther was some fun watching the little fat man and the cat[43] trying to get a running start. Of course the cat won, because his master had trained it to go over ‘edge and ditch , whilst ‘Shovel’ had to go on the main road and they were not very long before they were all back in the taproom again. ‘The Poet’ began to stroke the cat and ‘Shovel’ seemed very annoyed, so at last he said, “ “you are supposed to be a poet. You had bettermake a poem about the cat, you are making enough labour about it having won the race.” Of course this was said very sarcastically, ‘Shovel’ not liking the idea of being beaten by a cat. “ Well!” said the’Poet’ “ I have read very few poems about cats, only for children, cats are so selfish, Let me see, the cat’s name is ‘Thomas’. Well here goes
!” Thomas the howler
The gay midnight prowler.
Was surrounded by pussies;
All nocturnal hussies,
And he led the chorus,
The noise was uproarious, T
enor and Basso and weak Sopiono
And the noises you all know.
There were black cats and grey cats
And cats of all colours
Bachelor cats
And cats with their mothers;
Tom still led the chorus;
The noise was uproarious[44]
Dimiendo crescendo Andante piano
Slowly and mournful,
And none of it tuneful
Then hoity double toity;
And Thomas the howler,
The gay midnight prowler;
Still led the chorus
the noise was uproarious;
A boot hit poor Thomas
And broke up the party,
Which reformed gay and hearty
A little lower down,
And Thomas the howler,
The gay midnight howler,
Again led the chorus
With noise most uproarious
Of course when the ’Sweep Man’ had gone to consult his mother’s bible , the fiery lady did not stay in the taproom, but went down to the meeting in the ladies room. Mr Kamm and Mr. Bouncer had got a very good gardener, who had been doing odd jobs and they could not have got a much better man, then there was one plumber and a joiner in the Hotel so they would have to get the other skilled help from the ‘Exchange, but they had taken all the other men in the taproom ( that were unemployed) for labourers, but had not settled about anyone looking after poultry.” Must I ask if there is anyone present who thoroughly understands poultry?” said the deputy-deputy sexton.” I do not know enough to take on what will be a big poultry farm.” Said the deputy sexton. “ Yes, ask them.” Said Mr. Bouncer. The under sexton stood up, holding out his open palm for silence.” Is there anyone present?” [45]he said “Who has a lot of hen wit? No I do not wish to insult you,” said the wag “I know you perhaps have as much wit as a hen. But there is a difference. A hen crosses the road to get to the other side. The hen’s reason for getting to the other side we do not know, but what can you expect from a hen?, Now if some of us crossed the road we should have a reason, unless we were walking aimlessly, and yet a hen has no vote and would not use it if it had, and yet my dear friends, what is the difference? Some of us have a vote and do not use it; some of us do not know how to use it to our best advantage. A hen can lay an egg, but a man cannot, so I am very sorry I used the term ‘hen wit’. The correct grammatical definition should have been; ‘is there any gentleman here who has a lot of wit about hens?’= that is one who thoroughly understands poultry?.” As one man in the room was rising to his feet, just as if he was going to speak for himself as someone else for the vacant ‘poultry place’, the deputy, deputy sexton sat down with the remark, “This gentleman is going to speak on the matter, but I would not make him swear that he will tell you the truth. You do not have to stand up.” He said quickly, “ You can sit down if you want., I mean you do not need to stand up.” “ Well!” said this individual, “ I was only going to say,” I know a man who keeps hens, well the hens help to keep him, and he tells me he is on such affectionat terms with his hens that when they are going to moult for the second time, they come to him with tears in their eyes[46] pointing at their wings with their feet, that is because they are so fond of him that they do not want him to go to the expense of keeping them for the moulting period, when he could put them in the pot right away and save their keep during the moulting period.” “ I think your friend will be out of the running.” Said Mr. Bouncer, “ Your friend is not a poultry man at all, he should be a politician, then he would not need to tell tales about trifles; he could go in for bigger things, “ No!” said Mr. Bouncer, “ We will get our man through some way or other, because he will be responsible for thousands of poultry. “ Drink up to your own health and to ours.” Said Mr. Kamm. “ Before we go,” said one of the taproomlads to ‘the poet’, “ Please recite that poem about ‘the means test’. Perhaps it will be for the last time, at least we all hope so!” “ It is a poor one.” Said the’poet’ Anyhow; for the last time!” Come lads the Means Test trials on The same for Isaac, Lucy, John. The outcast public of our land, In front of the tribunal stand Chorus Oh we live like lords on the fat of the land, And everyone ought our meal to try it, For chips and peas is our staple diet, At Ascot they pay £30 for a stand Can we cough up enough, For a grave in our land? Have you cash in Bank, in Store in Stocking, Don’t hide your cash my lads it’s shocking, To diddle the country in such a way. When we want the money For our slips to pay[47] The time was now 9:30. The landlord had asked the ‘charlady’ and the ‘poet’s’ fiancée to stay later, because Mr. Kamm, Mr. Bouncer, the Cattle Buyer And the’poet’ wanted to see them. It was over an hour since the ‘Sweep winner’ had gone and they all wondered where he was; ‘Bleater had departed with the ‘steward’ and the two deputy sextons, on the understanding that all the 8 of them should meet at ‘the Spotted Dog’ on the Saturday night at about 8o’clock, when Mr. Kamm and Mr. Bouncer would meet their foremen and interview a few men in a private room and map out the mode of procedure for the starting of the ‘New Deal Market Garden and Poultry Produce Company’’Bleater and the other three had just gone, because they wanted to make a prompt starton the Monday, when the ‘sweepwinner’ came into the taproom and he looked disappointed, when he only saw the four of them there.. “ Ido believe,” said Mr. Bouncer, “ that he is sorry that ‘Bleater has gone home.2 “ NO!” he replied,” I am not. I wanted to see the young lady though.” “ well, we have to see them,” said Mr. Kamm, “about various acts of sundry courtesy, and perhaps she has stayed with her sister; of course you know,” he said to the ‘Sweepman’, your ‘young lady’ did not stay in the taproom, she went back to the ladies’ meeting.” My young lady.” Said the ‘Sweep winner’ “Who told you that, Mr. Kamm? I wish she was my young lady,” he said looking at ‘the Poet’ in a puzzled manner.. “ Well she is free to marry whom she will,” said ‘the poet.” She is as good a girl as she is lovely. He will be a lucky fellow, who gets her. I wondered many a time who I might get for a brother-in-law ,if all goes well[48] with my own matrimonial affairs! We wondered where you were all this time. We thought you were only going to be away about 10 minutes or so.” “ I have had to make my mind up;” said the’ Sweepwinner’ “ and I wondered how much or rather how far I should go in offering some of my money to the’New Deal Market Garden and Poultry Produce Company.” “ Well!” said MR.Kamm,” Come along with us;” So the five of them went to the ‘ladies room’ ; Mr. Kamm knocking at the door and telling who they were.’” Come in!” said a female voice and the five of them walked into the room and the ‘Sweepwinner’ was very pleased to see that the young lady had not gone home, and as soon as she saw him she looked very pleased,” Well Jack!” she said, Jack was the ‘Sweepwinner’s’ name,” Did you go to the trouble of reading your mother’s bible?” “Yes.” Said Jack, “ Would you mind reading the verses?” “ yes !” said Jack,” First I will read St. Matthew, Chapter6 verses 1to 4.” And then he cleared his throat and began to read the well-known verses, “Take heed that you do not your alms before men, that you be seen of them; otherwise ye have no reward of your father, which is in Heaven.Therefore, when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee as the hypocrites do in the Synagogue and in the streets that they may have glory of men. Truly I say unto you, they have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth, that thine alms may be in secret; and your father, which seest in secret himself shall [49] reward thee openly. Now !” said Jack,” I shall read Matthew, Chapter19 verses21 and22; jesus said unto him, if thou wilt be perfect go and sell what thou hast and give it to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven and come and follow me, but when the young man heard that saying he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” When Jack had finished reading , the young lady looked at him for a few moments and then said , “ well, Jack are you going to go away sorrowful?” “ You can have £10,00 for ‘The New Deal’ “ said Jack; “ Oh,no!” said Mr. kamm,” But we admire the spirit of the offer!” and Mr. Kamm,, ‘Bouncer’ and the ‘Cattle Buyer’ and the ‘Poet’ all went and shook him heartily by the hand..” A few hundred is all we shall want, perhaps not so much, until we get going.” “ Is there anything else you want, Jack?” asked the young lady. “Yes! I would like to take you home,” said the new convert to the’ Uplift movement’. “ Did you want to see me for anything specially pressing?” said the young lady, with a very innocent look at Jack. “ I will tell you on the way to your house, “ said Jack. “ I can guess, what he wants to see you about.” Said Mr. Kamm, with a smile,” but it is none of our business.” Jack and the young lady left, followed shortly afterwards by ‘the Poet’ and her sister; and this left the ‘charwoman’, Mr. Kamm and ‘the Cattle Buyer’ and Mr. Bouncer still in the room.[50] “Well Mary,” said Mr. Kamm to the charlady,” This has been an eventful day, and we have moved fast since we had dinner at my home at 6o’clock.” And he told Mary lister, the so-called charlady, all that had happened,since that time, in relation to getting Mr. Bouncer, the ‘Cattle Buyer’ and the’Sweepwinner’ into his way of thinking; all about getting the land etc. and everything being fixed up to start on Monday. Of course he did not mention ‘Coupon Row’ or all the fun they had on their travels.”now!” he said at the finish,” I have a bet on with Mr. Bouncer. He says that youmust have had at least one hundred pounds left you, when your father died and I bet that it was not over £10. If you had over £10 then he has won the bet, if under I have won.” Mary lister looked at Mr. Bouncer for a few seconds and then said “What you do not know, Mr. Bouncer, is that Mr Kamm asked me to marry him, but that I did not wish to. Not because of any antipathy to him, but because of my sympathy towards these people who are in such terrible straits in the town. Just think for a moment, trade is bad; all these manufacturing places closed and a government only doing anything to relieve it when it is really forced to do so.I can tell you of not just one person, but quite a few, who have deserted the sinking ship; two of them worth nearly half a million each all because the assessments are less in some districts not a thousand miles off and the public[51] are getting very apathetic.Now it is only about 10 o’clock and if you will listen I will tell you how I was left financially and you will realise why we ladies meet in this room, which the landlord kindly lets us have for a very small sum per week.” Continuing her story Mary Lister said “ my mother died whilst I was in my teens and I was at school until I matriculated and then my father intended me to go to college, but before I could proceed there the financial crash came. The companies in whom my father held his shares, went up in smoke, he had not been well for a long time and to make matters worse the company for whom he was manager failed and he lost his position. He lasted for a few more years, but was gradually getting weaker and weaker until about 6 years after the crash, he died, and when I had paid all funeral expenses I had only about £6 left; you must remember we had been living on our savings for over 6 years, and I had to nurse him and could not engage in any work, because he required me at home to look after him. After his death I went to live with another lady similarly placed and my £6 practically all went. In the meantime I got the cleaning situation at your club, and similar work at a few more places. I can say without boasting. I suggested to the woman I met, that in similar capacities that we could have a room for self-help and I found out that[52] from a lot of the married women that they had to accept cleaning etc. because their husbands were out of work, especially if they were over 40, when the places they were employed at closed down. Also the younger men were cheaper, because one expensive man could learn2 or 3 younger men; and I thought what a strange state of affairs had come into being,. The future mothers having to keep brothers in the same category. Some of these women had not seen the sea for 10 years, so I arranged a trip, which would cost about 6/- a head with fares and tea etc. there was about 40 of us arranged to go and we paid 6d. a week for 12 weeks.now when it came time,within a few days of our trip, I found out that 5 of the women had to withdraw their money, because of home expenses and be deprived again of their trip to the sea. I thought at first of approaching Mr. Kamm; but did not like to do so in the circumstances; and then I got what I thought was a bright idea. My friend with whom I live had 2 pairs of new sheets, which she very kindly lent me. These I pawned at ‘Jumbos’ pawnsop for 3/- a pair, then I had 6/- in cash, then I joined a 20 week club at the ‘Provide all Stores’ at 2/- a week and with my first 21/- bought 2 pairs of blankets value £1 per pair. These blankets I took[53] to ‘Jumbos’ pawnshop at the same time redeeming my friends sheets. Because the boss of ‘jumbos’ pawnshop had known my father and also myself, since I was a slip of a girl, he allowed me36/- for the blankets, which with the about 7/- I paid him back to redeem the sheets left me with 29/- in hand; so with 1/- collected between us the five poor women were enabled to join the trip.” “ But my dear Mary .” said Mr. Kamm, “ you would have the payments to make £2 a week to the ‘Provide All Stores – and I should think at least 1/- a week to Jumbos to retrieve your blankets.” “ Yes!” said Mary , but you must remember, that my friend with whom I live paid half; she is joining with the blankets, so you see Mr. Bouncer,” she continued. “ Mr. Kamm has won his bet.” “Well I will give you credit!” said Mr. Bouncer,” You are a very clever young lady, if I could find another half dozen like you we could float a brick field as a goldmine.” “That is one of your bets lost.” Said Mr. Kamm. “ Well I am paying for my learning!” said Mr. bouncer,” and it is worth £10 to meet someone, who will sacrifice themselves for others today.” “But there is something else I want to explain to you; to be fair with Mr.Kamm.” said Mary” Just listen a few minutes longer, and then you will understand how it is that you are present in this room; that is you and ‘the Cattle Buyer[54] and I do not want you to go any further with these schemes unless you do so wholeheartedly; because my reason is this. A town the size of ours should have some public men who are willing to do something in return to the ordinary rank and file, who have contributed to their success. That is why I did not want Mr. Kamm to carry on alone. You see they taught us at school in algebra that a plus and a minus gave a minus, but a plus and a plus gave a plus. Now ‘The Poet’, myself and Mr. Kamm have manoeuvred all these moves tonight, so that we should be strong with your help: that is instead of one ‘plus’= Mr. Kamm; We have 4 plusses: Mr. Kamm, ‘The Cattle Buyer, Mr. Bouncer and ‘The Sweepwinner’; and I want your answer now; are you willing to go forward?” “ Certainly we are, aren’t we Jonas!” said Mr. Kamm to the cattle Buyer. “Yes” said Jonas,” Of course we are1” “ That is alright then.” said Mary,” thank God my plans are working out alright.” “ well!” said Mr. Bouncer, “ I am sorry I called you a charlady to Mr. Kamm, but I can go further now and say you are after manoeuvring all these ideas to suit your purpose ‘ A Mathamatical Charlady’ for the public good.[55] I think,” said Mr Bouncer “ You will have manoeuvred the making of 4 Companies in one dayand that is more than I have ever done.” “ Why! How do you make that assertion Mr. Bouncer?” said Mary; Jonas, Mr.Kamm and Mary were all looking hard at Mr Bouncer. “ Well “ said the latter, ”there is no.1 the New Deal Market Garden And Produce Company’; ‘No 2’ The poet and his young lady. No.3jack ‘the Sweepwinner’ and his young lady and..” Mr. Bouncer hesitated,”I am a little doubtful about the fourth Company, but if I was a certain person I should try to form the fourth company today; it is not yet 11 o’clock. “It isn’t Jonas or yourself who have their eye on somebody, is it.” Said Mary. “ No,” said Jonas, ”I have turned 70 years of age; it is too late in the day now,” and then with a alight sigh Jonas continued, ”The lady who I cared for has long since gone to her rest.” The three of them looked at Jonas in surprise and sympathy; ”but,” Jonas continued; ”That is why I am in this deal – it would have pleased her had she been living.” “ it isn’t you,Mr. Bouncer. Is it?” said Mary, “ Mr. Kamm knows that my parents died in their thirties from heart trouble, which I have inherited,” said Mr. Bouncer; “ The doctors tell me that, and I know myself how I feel sometimes; that is why I am so irritable, but they say with care and quiet, I can live to be an old man, but – my part of the Bouncer family will die with me. So you see there are only you two left, and I should like to congratulate you both before we go; and Jonas would too I think.” “ Can they , Mary?” said Mr Kamm[56]”yes!” said Mary,” I think they can make it up into four companies formed in one day and the ‘directors’ I think will be held together by bonds of affection for each other, which be more powerful than any monetary bonds.” “ Well are you ready Jonas?” said Mr. Kamm after they had congratulated them, the latest company.” It is time we were moving. You will both be down on Saturday night at 8; I suppose.” said Mr. Kamm. “ Any how, can you call for me at my home about 7 and then we can all come down together.” “ all right !” said the two bachelors. Bidding goodnight to the engaged couple they made their way homeward and M. Kamm took mary lister home to the great surprise of her friend, who had been anxious as to her whereabouts. On Saturday promptly at 7o’clock the seven of them called for Mr. kamm on their way to ‘The Spotted Dog’. Of course the reason for this was that Mr. Kamm’s house was nearest to the hotel, and proceeded to their destination, passing through ‘Coupon row’ just as they had done on the Thursday night. As they passed ‘Little Eva’s ‘ house, ‘Bleater’ made the remark that things seemed very quiet in ‘the row’. “ they will all be counting their winnings,” said Mr. Kamm with a smile.” What did she say about the window?” said the deputy-deputy sexton,” Why,See! There is a little rubber ball on a string with the other end of the string stuck on the window[57] “Mr. Ball is a very lucky man this week.” said the steward, “ It's perhaps jumbo’s the pawnbroker.” Said ‘bleater’. “ no1” said the wag of the party, “ she couldn’t put an elephant in the window for’ Jumbo’ unless it was a little toy one.” And the wag stopped and stood completely still. “ I think ,” he said,” you have a bright man in our company of eight, and I think that bright and shining lamp of brightness is myself. Listen to me you seven Dr. Watsons and I will expound the riddle. Wait until I light my pipe and, with cheap tobacco awake the few remaining brains that I have leftand begin to work on the superhuman task of the rubber ball in Coupon Row; Listen! It is a penny rubber ball, therefore it will be a bouncer spelt with a capital B. I feel absolutely certain it is our own Mr. Bouncer; if you remember he had the remaining 18 lines of ‘Diddleums’” the little ball was swinging in the window and ‘Bleater’ suddenly said that he had seen a letter D on the ball as it twisted around.. Mr. Bouncer said that he had been so concerned about his business affairs on the Friday, that he had nearly forgotten about the Coupon, but he had his copy. “ we don’t want to read a paper in the street.” “ we do not need to.” ] said the Steward and stepping forward he knocked at the door, which was opened by Eva. “ You are lucky,” she said to Mr. Bouncer.” You saw the ball in the window then!”[58] “Yes!” said Mr Bouncer,”but we have to thank our friend the deputy-deputy sexton for expounding the riddle.” Little Eva said it would most likely be a prize of thousands or at least a thousand pounds, because no-one else in the town had the same teams as Mr. Bouncer; if anyone else had got the Same teams no-one in the Row had heard of it. “I made it out to your address.” Said Eva, “ so you must claim from your own home. I had a feeling all the time, you would perhaps win, and that you would make very good use of it and make others happier with the proceeds.” “ you know what it says in the Bible.” Said Mr. Kamm “to him that hath shall be given.” “ Well if I put it to good use it will be given again.” Said Mr Bouncer, again bidding Eva and her husband good night; they made their way to the ‘Spotted Dog’. Of course the news of the ‘ New Deal Market Garden and Poultry Produce Company ‘ had gone all round the town, and Also that Mr. Bouncer had won Diddleums penny line and there was great expectancy in the air. There were even merchants from the City Markets wanting to meet them, because these men knew that whatever Mr. Kamm or even Mr. Bouncer put their hand to it had to go or go under. But the greatest surprise of all was that the Editor of the ‘Bugsville Howler’ asked them to go into the Bar Parlour and meet 3returned gentlemen, natives of Bugsville who[59] had got out of Bugsville while the going was good and both Mr. Kamm, Mr. Bouncer and the rest were surprised to see the returned trio. The editor of the’ Bugsville Howler’ hastened to explain to them however the reason for the return of the trio. It seemed that the editor, having heard of all the doings and happenings of Mr. Kamm and his party even to the winning of the coupon; had impetuously put an editorial in the ‘Howler’ and led away by his own verbosity had fairly lashed the ‘Prodigal Sons’ of Bugsville, as he called them in his editorial and he pleaded with Messrs Kamm and Bouncer to try to put things right, because he faced a libel action. “ Well, let me read the editorial.” Said Mr. Kamm,” and then we shall know how to proceed. Now you go back into the Bar Parlour and the party and myself will think things out.” When the editor had departed into the Bar Parlour Mr. Kamm read the Editorial aloud to the other seven. “ No wonder the editor has the wind up!” said Mr. Kamm – listen- This is the heading of the editorial “ Great Doings In Bugsville” ‘ It has come to our knowledge that certain sons of Bugsville, who have some affection and compassion for their native town are about to start a new industry. There are four or more of them, all gentlemen of[60] means and leisure who could all retire; but if they did the town would be dormant altogether instead of half-dead as it is at present. What could we do if we could get some more gentlemen to do something for our glorious town(that was) , but alas they wax fat or rather have waxed fat and departed. Looking back through our files of a few years ago we see wills left by departed sons of Bugsville 2 or 3 of £500000 some of £250000 and quite a few of £40000 to £100000, but let us be thankful that the country benefits as a whole when they die, because sooner or later the country through its death Duties claims a considerable sum, because the glorious ‘civil service’ of the ‘ Land of Hope and Glory’ never sleeps, but like a well-bred bloodhound trained to trace the crinkles of banknotes is at their heels until the last and then the bloodhounds say “disgorge!” and what they held so dear in life at ‘Deaths’ desire they leave. So why not just part just now and give a glorious lead. Why leave ‘Bugsville’ to be bitten elsewhere. At least in bugsville one could go down with banners flying on one’s native heath, respected as a fighter and a good loser; a regular British statesman; and finally[61]on the grand level tracks beneath the hills; where is there a better place to lose money on racehorses? Without going further afield? Oh prodigal sons of Bugsville, for a better sentiment in your mentality.
After reading the editorial Mr. Kamm paused, and looking at his seven pals said quietly, “ I wonder where the editorial hit them the most?” Calling the waiter Mr. Kamm asked him to bring back the Editor back to them again from the ‘Bar parlour’. When that much perplexed individual came,Mr. Kamm asked him which part of the editorial they had taken exception to.. “ the horse-racing part.” Said the editor,” you know,” said the editor ,” My paper is all but ‘bankrupt’ or I should not have written what I did. People will not buy a paper representing a half-dead town, where nothing ever happens. If anyone dies, you cannot put in the paper, when they were employed at; in most cases it reads like this; Mr J.- L. died this morning , he was 70 years of age, his last place of employment was at -,- 10 years ago, since then he has been unemployed.” “ Yes!” said Mr. Kamm,” but to get to the point; what about the racehorses?” “ well you know the 3 gentlemen, and don’t repeat what I am going to tell you; but two of them, Johnson and Hooke have sons and both of the sons wanted racehorses. Their fathers bought them one each, but the joke was, that both had been used for delivering milk.[62] and when the young men took them to the city the horses stopped at every milk delivery place. “ We will see what we can do to get you out of your difficulty.” Said Mr.Kamm,” Lead on, Dear editor, on to the Lions Arena; in other words ‘the Bar Parlour’.” The eight of them had made up their minds that the best means of defence was to attackand the ‘cattle Buyer’ had been given authority to start the Battle. “ Well,” said the latter individual to the three returned ones, “welcome to our city, or ‘town’ rather.” Then all the 8 of them shook hands with the 3 of them. “ How are things in the horseflesh line?” said the ‘Cattle Buyer’ “ I hope you have spotted a derby winner.” When the ‘Cattle Buyer’ said this the ‘Editor’ nearly had a fit; but Jonas winked at him slyly and the three exiles looked coldly at them. Then one of them spoke, “You have to move in high society.” He said “ With the times!” “ Your society racehorses moved with the milk before you bought them, I believe.” Said Jonas;” anyhow, what do you mean by ‘high society’? I am not a great grammarian, but there are several meanings to the word ‘high’, you may mean you live on an hilltop or something.: and then fish, fowl or meat if kept too long is said to be ‘high’ by well-bred society and if that is the society that you have been keeping I hope you have brought some eau-de-cologne with you.[63]” “ the three of us have really come as a deputation to the ‘Editor’” said one of them “ and we demand satisfaction by an apology ,or there will be further proceedings.” “ Come off the high horse !” said the ‘Cattle Buyer’ “ if you took proceedings against him, it would be a grand excuse for him to put the shutters up at the ‘Howler Offices;and what good would that do you?; and it would harm you in ‘Bugsville’ society, which is about to revive. Your best plan is to come back to the fold and to help the good work.” Now one of the three was named ‘Boggs’ and Jonas, speaking to him alone said, ”Won’t you come off the high horse and come down to brass tacks, Mr. Boggs.” Now there was a general laugh at this , because Mr boggs had started his career with shoemaking. The friends of Mr. Boggs, that is Mr. Salmon and Mr.Hooke, looked at Mr. Jonas in a disdainful and superior manner and Jonas addressed them in the following manner, “ come now Mr. salmon and Mr. Hooke. Can’t you come in with Mr. Boggs and be hooked in with the scheme?” and there was another general laugh all around at this pun; mr Hooke looked at Jonas using hi superior tone of voice and said “ How long have you been ‘Bleating’ about the uplift movement? Have you some more dud shares to sell?” there was a roar at this repartee and the ‘Bleater’ laughed with[64] the rest,” and,” continued Hooke “You talk over us three running away, but it is no worse than doing business on the chapel steps immediately after service in a place of worship.” There was a hush at this accusation and it was at this point that ’Bouncer’ showed what a fine ‘Englishman’ he was. “ I think I know to whom Mr. Hooke alludes.” He said, and you should have seen their eyes glistening with greed.”I have often thought of coming out of the light of the chapel and onto the dark steps how similar they looked to a lot of cats ready to spring on one mouse, anyhow I was not the instigator of the refloatation, as you know;and besides look how mean they were anyhow.They could have come inside and given a little to the collection, also if they had come in to the service and listened to the sermon, they might have changed their mind and therefore not lost their money.” There was another laugh at this and Mr. Kamm decided that it was time to turn the conversation into a safer channel.”Now!” he said, ”we have had a good joke at each other’s expense,SO I THINK WE HAD better say quits all around and get on with the business in hand. Mr. kamm had a good idea that Mr. Boggs, Mr. Salmon and Mr. Hookewould like to come back to [65] to Bugsville, but he did not wish to haul down their society banner. He also knew they wereall three wealthy men. But still Mr. Kamm, Bouncer and Jonasthe’ Cattle Buyer were not satisfied in the way things were progressing in the way of capturing the three prodigals to strengthen their ‘uplift’ movement. Mr. Kamm and Mr.Bouncer kept being touched on the arm by Jonas and when either of the two men caught Jonas’s eye, he winked quickly at them as if he wanted to talk to them privately; at last Jonas winked at Mr. Kamm and motioned slightly with his head towards the door leading from the Bar Parlour, then shortly after he repeated this gesture to Mr. Bouncer; Mr. Kamm then left the room , being followed by Mr. Bouncer, and shortly afterwards they were joined by Jonas, who piloted them to a quiet corner of the Hotel and commenced to tell them the reason for getting them out of the’Bar Parlour’ for a time. “I think,” said Jonas “I have discovered why we are not progressing in our endeavour to interest Boggs, Salmon and HOOke; we have no gentleman with us, who has a handle to his name, so my proposal is that we invent one and another thing I want to tell you both. As you know all eight of us are temperate men, but I am sorry to say, Boggs is not, and if he drinks to much he will start weeping. This is known among the common people as ‘ A crying jug’, of course the right definition to give a a man of this kind is a ‘ gentleman who weeps in his cups, or when he has had too many cups rather.[66] While Jonas was telling the two men of the weakness of Boggs, a tall, handsome young man walked across the room towards them, and held out his hand and shook each of them in turn very heartily, smiling pleasantly whilst so engaged. The younggentleman’s name was Mr. Bunkum and he was a real ‘Society ‘ man, being related to a number of titled people. Mr. bunkum congratulated the three and wished them good luck in their new venture, he also congratulated Mr. Bouncer on winning the pool, and then Mr. Bouncer mentioned the three prodigals, Boggs, Salmon and Hooke, and how they were trying to get them to join the’uplift’ wmovement. “ Well, I will help you!” said Mr. Bunkum.” You three must go back to the Bar Parlour and I will make my entry, when I have disguised myself, you know I am used to playing in amateur theatricals, this is a job after my own heart.” He said laughing outright. Mr.Bunkum then departed and the other three went back into the Bar Parlour. When they entered they could see that Boggs was well into the ‘weeping’ stage and salmon was shedding a tear or two, whilst Hooke was looking very sad, in unison with the other two; whilst ‘the poet’,deputy sexton, deputy,deputy sexton and steward and ‘Bleater’ were listening very intently to what Boggs was saying or trying to say; as he did not seem to have started, when they re-entered the room. At last after a heavy sigh, which ended with the drip[67] of an extra large tear into his beer. Boggs began to speak.”Yes,” he said, “I could make shoes – and slippers. No wonder I made money and had such a good trade and my Aunt Selena knew I could make good slippers; rest her soul. I will tell you chaps about my Aunt Selena.” Bouncer, Kamm and Jonas noticed that when Boggs made a remark such as the last, which was ’’I will tell you chaps about my Aunt Selena’. Salmon and Hooke repeated after him, not the full sentence, but some of it, just as they had proportioned their weeping – ‘chaps about my Aunt Selena’ – said Salmon,- ‘my Aunt Selina’ said Hooke and it had a very comical effect on the listeners and on the lookers on, because the three prodigals were far from being drunk, but were quite aware of what was occurring in the room; Mr. Kamm and co. hoped that ‘Boggs’ would not be interrupted in this way as he was telling the story of hisAunt Selena as they were very anxious that he should start his works again in ’Bugsville’. “ My Aunt Selena lived to be a few seconds over100 years old,” said’ Boggs’ and she died just when I was about to wind up my business and retire, through being so busy. I had been a whole month[68] and had not been to see her. Youknow when these aged people of 80 to 100 years of age fall ill, you think that they will be well again in a day or two, but if it is a young person under the doctor, you are generally speaking more anxious about them. I had made a practice of giving her a birthday present of a pair of slippers for years and we had more in of the special sort she wanted, anyway when I went to see her she looked at me reproachfully and then it suddenly dawned on me that she was expecting her slippers, so I told her I would take a pair up on her birthday; she looked very pleased and at this time she was 99 years old and wanted about four days to reach her 100th. Birthday. On the eve of her 100th. Birthday I took up the slippers and they put them on her feet in bed and just after the clock struck 12 she passed peacefully away having lived her 100 years to the second. She would not have reached this figure, but she wore the slippers three hours before she died and as she was very anxious to reach this figure she kept glancing down at the slippers and asking between, what time it was; just before 12 o’clock a smile came across her face, the kind of smile you see on the face of a victor in a race and her ;last words were, “I have beaten Aunty Boggs!”[69] [69] Now her aunt the late Mrs. Boggs and my Great Aunt Boggs only lived to be 99 years 11 months 30 days and11 hours and 59 minutes so my Aunty Boggs had beaten her. “ I did not know he had a great Aunt Selena.” Said Mr. kamm quietly to his friends. “ He never had an Aunty Selena.” saidJonas and Mr. Bouncer; both speaking together.” I know his mother and father well; this talk is all his imagination. The poet smiled and recited the following to them quietly, so that ‘the three’ would not hear.
“when they slipped the slippers on Selena,
It stopped Selina’s cough;
but they slipped the slippers off Selena,
When Selena shuffled off.”
The Landlord came into the room shortly after that and said that Toby Shovel wanted to see Mr. Kamm. “ Well! Bring him in!” said Mr. Kamm. Shovel came in looking very important; and speaking to mr. Kamm said that a gentleman wanted to see him; a foreign gentleman, he thought. “Well go out and bring him back with you,” said Mr. Kamm. Shovel did so and came back with a tall gentleman. This person was of fine physique and his moustache was a beauty, consisting of a cuch at each side of his nose and a well-trimmed goatee beard No wonderShovel was impressed[70]. Now as this frock-coated, silk-hatted gentleman shook hands with Mr Kamm he pressed a very strong cardboard visiting card into Mr. kamm’s hand, which no-one else could see, but Mr. kamm read it in a second and afterwards transferred it to his pocket, when no-one else Was looking. “ I am pleased to see you. How is Your Highness. Have you called in at Buckingham palace on your way up here?” “ No!” said the gentleman with a smile.” Not called on The Premier either.”said Mr. Kamm. “ No.” said the gentleman again,” I am travelling strictly incognito, do you not call it. Chineggar thing, it would not be the thing to go to the palace without giving them warning. It would have meant turning out the guard, airing the bedroom suite and general upset you know.; and my reason for coming was to see you mr. Kamm.On my way up here I heard that you and your friends were trying to bring back prosperity to Bugsville.” “ here! Toby2 said Mr.Kamm to Shovel, giving him an half crown piece. “ will you tell the landlord to telephone for my car to call here in about 1hour.. Shovel set off to do his errand looking very important and Boggs,Salmon and Hooke very, very impressed. Boggs was staring with his mouth partly open, Salmonwas bent forward, not wishing to miss any of this very high society conversation and the ‘deputy, deputy sexton said that Hooke’s ears were wagging. But ‘Boggs’ seemed to be[71] the most impressed “Oh!” said Mr.Kamm,”Excuse me; let me introduce you to my friends. Gentlemen!” he said, “Let me introduce you to his Highness the Duc de Maltoot of Maltoot. he is one of the Maltoot, French family of Maltoot. The English branch came over with The conqueror.” Now when Shovel heard this, he made the remark that his folks came over with The Conqueror too and the Duc turned round and shook hands with Shovel. Of course The Duc a.k.a. Mr Bunkum knew Shovel, but Shovel, did not know him in his disguise. Kamm, ‘Bouncer’ and co thought it it time to stare, when a ‘corner boy’ like Shovel claimed to have come over with The Conqueror. Shovel, reading the questionintheireyes,answeredforhimself.”YesmypropernameisTobiasdeShovel-Cheval- my folks came with the horses; you know my father told me that the word Cheval meant horse; and the boys used to call me Toby Horse, which got in time to Hobby horsew and then to Toby shovel. Salmon and Hooke were indignant at ‘ Shovel’ at his presumption and were very anxious to explain to the ‘Duc’ that Shovel did no work as long as he could get along without: that was, just enough to eat, plenty of beer and a bed to sleep in. “Well!” said The Duc,” Both of us are gentlemen; I get my money and do not work to earn itand M. Shovel[72] does as little as possible and seems in good health with doing as little as possible, so I think I had better shake hands with him. At this point in the conversation the deputy-deputy sexton asked if William the Conqueror brought any donkeys along with the horses, because if that was so Mr. Shovel’s ancestors must have looked after them as the present Mr. Shovel 39
was such an ass.. “ Well!” said mr. Shovel,”Maybe my ancestor did come over with the donkeys; there is a similarity between us. A donkeyonly works when it has toand then it generally does the work grudgingly; and so do I.anyhow.how many men would be tied in to work for a master - called in by a whistle or a bell - slaves of the clock, unless they were forced to do so by necessity. “ there was a general laugh at this philosophy of Mr.Shovels–andwhoisgoingtodenythislogic?HereMr.Kammasked shovel; on what date was William the Conquror supposed to land and Shovel answered right away without any hesitation – 1066 – 2 I have said it, said it many a time,” said Mr. Bouncer, “That there is much more history handed to posterity by word of mouth; than the written word. Take the case of the inundation at the Menai Straits. The Welsh people have legends and Celtic poems referring to[73] that same inundation; and in the western states of America the cowboys have tunes and songs that have come originally from England in the 17th. Century or earlier.” At this point the Duke asked mr. Kamm, who was backing him in his new venture; of course he meant, financially. Mr. Kamm told him; those in the room with him. Of course he meant, Mr. Bouncer, Jonas, the Cattlebuyer, Jack ‘the sweepwinner’ etc., but the duke thought he meant ‘all’ in the room, or pretended to; and he went straight away and patted ‘Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and ‘Hooke’ heartily on the back and said , he was glad to meet such Englishmen of the ‘old school’.and he didn’t half dwell on the lives of great Englishmen, citing cases of the great sacrifices these men had made for love of their country and making comparisons with what ‘Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and ‘Hooke’ were doing likewise. The duke dwelt on this comparison so much that the men in the room and even ‘Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and ‘Hooke’ began to look upon themselves as sharaphs to democracy and melted accordingly. “ Let me see !” said the’Duc’, “ I think one of you three gentlemen, or all of you, have been manufacturers in Bugsville, before the Great slump. If it is not impertinent[74].What line were you in,” he said, turning to Boggs.” Slippers!” said Mr. Boggs. “ Not the ‘original Bogg’s Slippers made by Boggs of Bugsville. I remember seeingthe advertisements facing the railway tracks. I used to notice them, because they were made in the same town where Mr. Kamm had his works. Why I have seen them advertised all over the country. I can tell you the different types of advertisement. There was one ‘Bogg’s Boots for Bunions’ another was ‘ slip on Bogg’s slippers and Slumber Serenely.’ Why man, whatever made you shut up shop?. Do you know I have been in big shops when people have asked for Boggs’ products, and when they have been told by the shopman that they have run out ofBoggs’ slippers; the people who had asked for them seemed quite hurt and slipped sadly away.” “ Well!” said Boggs standing up and looking proudly around,” we are going to start the works up again. We are the men that can do it. The country wants Boggs’ slippers and we can supply that want, and also Mr. Salmon and Mr Hooke are starting their workstoo. Making boxes is theirwork; any box from a pill box to a coffin!” When Boggs made this statement there were fresh congratulationsallaround.“Soweshallbeenabledtotakeonallouroldhands back again in due course.” Said Boggs. Mr. Kamm and the[75] Duc were just going to leave the hotel along with Mr. Bouncerand Jonas; when the Landlord announced the arrival of the wives of‘Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and ‘Hooke’ .It seemed they should have met their three masculine halves in the town; but these 40
gentlemenhadbeensointerestedwiththeiraffairswiththeEditorofthe‘Howler, Mr. kamm’s party and ‘The Duc’, that they had forgotten all about them. They were very smart women all very stout and looking well and healthy, but seemed very indignant with their husbands for neglecting them in such a manner. Now as soon as Boggs saw his wife, he made the announcement that they were going to restart their works again in Bugsville; that was himself and salmon and Hooke in their different manufactures and before either of the three ladies could ask anything about their not being consulted, Mr. Kamm introduced them to ‘The Duc’ and they were surprised and seemed to be very pleased indeed; ‘ the Duc’ also complimented the three men on having such fine , smart wives and mentioned something about roses blushing unseen in the wilderness. When Mr. Kamm’s car came up for them, ‘The duc’ said he would do a few hundred pounds towards their husbands’ re-entry into the business world and he would put the check into the bank in Mr. Kamm’s name. Of course Mr. Bunkum[76] could do so because he was a wealthy manand he was also pleased with the success of his plan, which had been far more successful than hehadanticipated.WhenMr.Kamm,Bouncer,Jonasand‘TheDuc’weregoing to Mr. Kamm’s home in his car. Mr Bunkum (now ‘The Duc’) asked which of ‘the returnrd ones was the leader- “ Oh!” said Jonas, “Boggs in every thing; what I mean is this. If, where they have been fluttering like moths in society; the mothBoggs,wouldflutteraroundtheskirtsofsocietyandeatinthediningroom: the moths salmon and Hooke , would dine in the cloakroom. “Well!” said Mr. Bunkum to Mr. Kamm and Bouncer, “ they all six seem very nice people and I will give a house party and the people who are financing ‘the Uplift Movement including yourselves and the six returned ones must come. I will invite them.” Mr. Kamm said he would follow with another party at his home and Mr. Bouncer said the same.Whist the four gentlemen were proceeding in Mr. Kamm’s car towards the homeof the latter gentleman.; and Messrs Hooke, Salmon and Boggs, accompanied by their better-halves had also left the hotel, to proceed to their destinations.:Messrs the Deputy Sexton, deputy deputy sexton, Jack ‘The Sweepwinner, the’Poet’, Steward, ‘Bleater’ and ‘ Toby Shovel and ‘the Editor, Mr. Gab Gab, all made their way in a company[77] towards their several homes, which lay in the same direction for a considerable way. And the deputy,deputy sexton kept the party very jovial by twitting ‘Shovel’ about his donkey cart, for at one time ‘Shovel’ had been the owner of a donkey and cart,with which he had tried to make a living. He also said (and ‘Shovel’ never denied it) that ‘Shovel’ had built the cart in the single room in which he was livingatthattimeandhismindbeingsetonbuilding ofthecart;itneverentered his head as to how he was to get the cart out of the room; so of course the cart being no good, where it was Shovel had to break it up again. “where did? “ Jack Booby ‘the sweepwinner‘ asked where ‘Shovel’ kept his donkey. “ Ah!” said the sexton.” There was always an ass in the room, when he was building the cart- a two-legged one-,but shortly after this ‘Shovel’ had a donkey and cart all but given to him. then he couldn’t manage- and have, what he thought was his fair share of beer at the same time; so he kept the car and sold the ass.” “Ah!” said Charles Rhymer, ‘The Poet’. 41
But ‘alas’, ‘alas, It came to pass, Trade was bad For shovel and ass; - He longed for beer, There was no brass, So he pulled the cart : And sold the ass. [78] “”Yes,” said the sexton, “It is a good job that your ancestors who came over with the horses of Bill the Conqueror were smarter than you are, for if they had boxed the horses into the ships the way that you fastened the cartin your room,’Good old Harold’ would have been able to give’ The Conqueror’ the wallop before they had been able to get the horses ashore; and just think what a difference it would have made to the history of England. Good old Saxon Harold and his followers drumming the Norman knights back into their ships and when the Norman ships had got back to sea, the Norman knights would be drumming ‘Shovel’s’ ancestors, because they were unable to get the horses out.” The seven of them had to go the same way home until they got to a railway bridge and then they would have to part for their different homes and they were walking along laughing about the repartee between ‘Shovel’ and the deputy sexton; when all at once ‘Shovel’ stopped and put up his hand for silence. “Look!” he said and all the lot of them looked towards the railway bridge.”Can you see anything under the bridge?” said ‘Shovel’. “ Why it is a double decker [79]motor-bus!” said the steward. “Why it will never go under the bridge; it is not high enough. I’ll guarantee old ‘Gargle’ is there with the bus and his nephew too; he and his nephew run the bus service between ‘Bugsville’ and’Tottle’ and they will have heard of the coming revival and they are trying a double decker bus when it is late, thinking no-one will see them. My word chaps we will have some fun here.” “By the way,” said the steward, “I suppose you know why they call him ‘Gargle’ – it is from his habit of drinking from his saucer instead of his cup.” When the eight of them got up to the bridge, they all pretended to be mystified and kept walking around it, they could see ‘Gargle’, but did not let on they had done so. “ I thought there was something going on.” Said Bleater,” I saw two men from ‘Gurgle’s’ office this afternoon with their long yardstick. They have only two sticks, an ordinary yardstick and one about 18ft. long, which they call the long yardstick. This was too short, so the two men brought a ladder and 42
one man climbed up the ladder and used the so-called long yardstick, but he said it was a few inches short. So his mate at the bottom said he had one 1/2ounce of tobacco, thin twist, so climbed up the ladder with the idea of adding the thin twist to the long yard.[80] stick in order to get the proper measurement, but of course when he had gone a short way up the ladder(which he had been holding at the bottom) to hand his mate the thin twist, the lladder fell throwing both of them on the ground, but as they were relatives of Mr. Gurgle they were not hurt. Shortly after this;” said ‘Bleater’ “ these two men came along , you know they have been advertising somebodies comodities all around ‘Bugsville’ and are between 7 and 8 feet tall. Well these tall advertising men came under the railway bridge, one of them standing on the other one’s shoulders and the top man’s hat seemed to me to touch the top of the bridge.i wondered at the time, what it was all about; now we see the solution of the riddle! My word!” said ‘Bleater’ “I can see what they were trying to do now; trying to get the heaight of the bridge, without bringing the bus up. There will be some news for you to put in the’ BugsvilleHowler’ for the week!” said ‘Bleater’, turning to the Editor, Mr. Joob-Joob. Now all this conversation had been heard byMr. Gurgle and he came up to the eight of them breating wrath. “It’s the last thing he will[81] ever print in the mouldy ‘Howler’” said Gurgle, “ If he does I shall make him pay for slander and then he will be stuck.” “ There will be two of you stuck then,” said’The Bleater’,” Your bus and Mr. Joob-Joob. It will be a stuck-up affair”.” Now ‘Bleater’ went up to his seven mates and pretended to have a quiet conversation with them. At last he turned to Mr.’Gurgle’.” The eight of us will help you to push the bus from under the bridge and the’editor’ will not report it in ‘The Howler’, but there is one thing that puzzles them and myself too. How is it you are out in your measurements, when you have had it measured twice?” Mr. ‘Gurgle’ tried to say he had not had it measured in the way ‘’Bleater’ said he had; so the eight of them pretended to leave the bus, ‘Gurgle’ and his son in law where they were. At this ‘Gurgle’ hauled down his colours. “Well!” he said,” how did I know that one of the tall advertising men had lost his hat? You said the man had his hat on when they measured the bridge, but one of them had lost his hat when they came into my office and he said that it had flown off into the river, but the man had his hat on when he measured the bus, and that is why they would be wrong in their measurement.” “ Yes ,” said ‘Shovel’, who had been very quiet for a long time. ”Bugsville men always had to come to the rescue of Tottle men and get them out of their difficulties.” Mr.’Gurgle’ was very angrywhen he heard[82] this, especially from an illiterate man like ‘shovel’,but ‘shovel’ quite innocently continued his discourse.” ‘Tottle’ in time will become a suburb of ‘Bugsville’” 43
“ Never! Never!” said Mr. ‘Gurgle’,”You are a smart lot of men anyhow; letting, company formations, pluck you like a lot of old hens and then leave you with the bones..” “ there were never any old hens to pluck in Tottle” said ‘Shovel’.” The only thing they evr did, which they themselves thought was smart, was to buy wire netting to put round Tottle to keep the epidemic of influenza out,and” continued ‘Shovel’, “ what about the ‘elephant’!”.By this time’Gurgle’ was red in the face with wrath.” It is a lie about the wire netting.” He said,” and I know nothing about any ‘elephant’.” “ Neither did your wise man of Tottle, know any thing about elephants.” Said’Shovel’ “ but like all Tottle men he thought he knew everything. When the first elephant came to our part of the country; its master brought it first to ‘Bugsville’ and it finished up at Tottle. Now this is the difference ;” said ‘Shovel’. “ The wise man in ‘Bugsville’ had the sense not to know anything about something he did not understand. He simply said – as all great men would in similar circumstances – he refused to pass an opinion on an animal which had a tail at each end; an animal, which a stranger, who had not seen one before, would not be able to tell which way it was goingto take after it had stopped, as from a distance it would seem the same from the front and the rear; also our wise man refused to give an opinion on an animal that could make a noise as good as the trombone player in ‘Bugsville band’. Now when the animal arrived in ‘Tottle’ not one of your ‘Tottle’ people could tell what it was, so they sent for the ‘wise man’; now this man did not rush to see it like the other’Tottleites’. He camevery slowly, just like the judge at the opening of the ‘assize courts’; looked at the animal through his glasses; then he took his glasses off to see the animal better, then he drew himself to his full height of 4’ 11’’and delivered his verdict.”Do none of you know what it is.” He said,of course there was no answer from the assembled ‘Tottleites’” Well! I will tell you, the animal in your midst is an ‘indiarubber pig’.” Now that elephant gave the wise man one sad look and the same night it died of a broken heart, and it made signs to its keeper, who understood it, that it wished to be buried anywhere but in ‘Tottle’, where it had been so badly insulted, because it had been the only thing that came to ‘Bugsville’, that the natives did not understand, and did not pretend to either. [84], so unknown to our town of ‘Bugsville’ it was buried here.” “I do not believe anything at all about ‘the elephant’ “ saidMr.’Gurgle’;” but a Tottleite’ would not do a trick on our pawnbroker, that you did, “ continued ‘Gurgle’ “ I mean ‘Shovel’ thetime you brought your ‘ cockles and mussels’ to ‘Tottle’ because you could not sell them in ‘Bugsville’and the’Tottleites’ wouldn’t have them either; so you pawned them with Mr. Duc Brisete, the Tottle pawnbroker, and he gave you a shilling, but you never redeemed them and by law he had to keep them in his shop for twelve months, and you ‘Shovel’ refused to take them away unless he gave you another shilling. I call that a mean trick, and your cockles and mussels were 44
smelling his shop out, so he was glad that you took them away although it cost him 2/-, which you really owe him today.” “ well!” said ‘Shovel’,” I have not had 2/- to him hock since, but if you will pay him the 2/- I owe him I will get your bus out from under the bridge: will you agree to that?” “ Yes !” said Gurgle, “ but I hope you will all not say anything about what has happened here tonight.” “ Mum’s the word!” said ‘Shovel’, “ and I speak on behalf of all of us. Now about the bus,” continued ‘Shovel,” You have all been insulting me about my lack of education and saying how[85] much smarter my ancestors were, who came over with the Conqueror.Now just notice that bus- do you notice anything about it?” “ I can see it is a double-decker bus.” Said’Bleater’.”Yes.” said Shovel,”but!” and here at every word he brought his right hand doubled up down into his left hand . “ not one 0f you thought about letting the wind out of the tyres and then the bus would proceed, because it would not touch the top of the bridge then.” This was done and every thing came out as prophesised by ‘Shovel’ and then everyone but ‘Shovel’ tried to make excuses why they had been unable to see this way out before and the deputy deputy sexton said that it was only likely that ‘Shovel’ would solve the puzzle before any of them because most of the men present had a good education and thear brains being full of ideas there was no room for any more; whereas ‘Shovel’s’ brain was like an empty sponge with not being used and the’ Wind out of the tyres ‘ idea would run right through his head and out again, like water running down a brook.” Thanks ‘ Shovel’!” said ‘Gurgle’ “ Iwill pay your 2/- debt, but how am I to run the bus? I cannot take the wind out of the tyres every journey.” “ No !” said ‘Shovel’, “I will tell you what to do. Get the council to lower the ground gradually to the bridge and then gradually up again and then the council will not need to bother the railway company and they will perhaps both do something towards the cost [86]. You see what I mean by levelling the ground under the bridge.” Continued ‘Shovel’, “ If this was done the bus would be running on a saucer-like length of road, the flat part of the saucerbeing underneath the bridge. You can get the Bugsville and Tottle Councils to put some money into your company and with the extra cash get another bus or two and then all you will need to do is to put up your fares a little, where possible and pay a divi to all the public travelling on your buses, at the year end, therefore making them all shareholders. “ “ My bus service does not pay all that well now.” Said Gurgle,” How could I also pay a dividend to the public travelling on them.” “well, you know,” said ‘ Shovel’ “ They are getting more prosperous in bugsville and there is already m,ore money knocking about. Raise your penny fare to thre half-pence- your three half-pence fare change to twoppence;of 45
course it is a simple sum, you will only be paying them back in a dividend some of the extra mileage they have been paying you for bus rides.. In fact they will I hope use your busses for a mixture of travellings- recreation-cum saving up club. In fact I hope you will not have torun busses night and day so that they can make more.[87] dividend.” “ Why ‘Shovel’ “ said the Dep. Sexton. “ It is a good job your education has been neglected.. If you had been to college and graduated into a first rate politician of any party at all, you would have made a grand leader in some war you would have muddled or rather schemed into. Let us be thankful you are uneducated and your ways are the ways of peace..” “ My word!” said Mr. Joob,” Look what time it is half last eleven!” so after a good laugh at the evening’s entertainment, in which Mr. Gurgle joined, all the rest of them dispersed to their various homes. The Market Garden and Poultry Produce Co. at Bugsville along with the slipper factories and Box-works of Messrs ‘Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and ‘Flooke’ along with other industries which had settled in ‘Bugsville’ were all doing very well, especially as money was very cheap. Mr. Kamm, who already had his Woollen and Worsted Mills on a profit-sharing basis had along with the’cattle Buyer’ (James Guernsey), Mr. Bouncer and ‘ Boggs’, ‘Salmon’ and Flookes interchanged shares in each company, their idea being in time to withdraw from all of their companies and let the public run themselves. To absorb more labour every six weeks, unless things were very busy; each man or woman had a week off. This they thought increased the health of [88] of the men and women and also employed the few clerks left at the labour exchange, or else the latter gentlemen would have to keep themselves employed by signing each other on and off. The wives of ‘Boggs, Salmon and Hooke’ were the real leadrers of ‘Bugsville’ society and thoroughly enjoyed it, but they wondered many a time about what had happened to the’Duc-de-Maltoot’, but when they asked Mr. Bunkum about his H. the duke’s health, whereabouts etc. Mr. Bunkum retorted to say that he was a ‘bird of passage’ never staying very long in the same place and then he could use another of his many real titles; his family having accumulated an immeasurable number during the centuries. If they mentioned ‘the Duc’ to their husbands, these industrialists retorted by saying that they would have to get ‘Toby Shovel’ a knighthood, as he was also of ancient Norman blood and also a gentleman of leisure; but it never entered the ladies’ heads that there was no’ Duc – de – maltoot’, because that gentleman had left £300 of good English money for their husbands’ businesses. Now they had often heard of bogus ‘titled people’, robbing the public, but had never [89] heard of these gentlemen giving anything away, unless caught by the police, so they naturally came to the conclusion that there must be a ‘Duc-de-Maltoot’.The sons of salmon and Hooke were as happy as sandboys, because they were allowed to ride the horses kept on 46
Jonas Guernsey’s farm, and as they had to attend their fathers’ businesses and be at the works at 9 a.m. they had to rise early in order to have a canter over the hills. This was making them into two fine healthy young men. Shovel’s idea for the saucer-like depression under the railway bridge had come off. The railway had done their bit and the ‘Bugsville’ council and the government and ‘Shovel’ swaggered about ‘Bugsville’as if he owned the town, but if he ever ventured into ‘Tottle’ he was greeted by the small boys with cries of “ Hee Haw! Who pawned the cockles and mussels?” or “ William the Conqueror!” to which ‘Shovel’ would reply by pretending to put on a pair of eyeglasses and shouting out “ India-rubber pig!” There was one old ‘Tottleite’ , who had been a captain on a canal boat, this gentleman had hardly ever even seen the sea, but used to pretend to know about nautical matters, so he asked ‘Shovel’ what was the meaning of Longitude and Latitude’; “ Oh!” said ‘Shovel’- who never seemed lost for an answer,” It is so far this way and so far that way.” As the nautical[90]’Tottleite’ knew no more than ‘Shovel’, he had to nod his head in agreement. Gentlemen from adjoining towns used to come to ‘Bugsville’ in order to see ‘Shovel’ and in one case a friend of Mr. Kamms said he would like to meet ‘the Norman’; so Mr. Kamm, being busy at the time , said he would let the deputy sexton take his friend to see ‘Shovel’. The deputy sexton said he would find him, but would have to make enquiries on the way as to his whereabouts, , in fact he said it would be like a paperchase; and on the way, the deputy sexton regaled Mr. Kamm’s friend with true tales Mr. Shovel’s adventures in making a living as easily as possible. In one case ‘Shovel’ was called in by a lady whose husband was confined to bed with ‘the blues’ or to give it its Latin name, ‘Delirium Tremens’ and the lady told ‘Shovel’ her husband must be kept quiet at all costs.”Well!” said ‘Shovel’ “ I cannot keep him quiet myself if he gets rough.If I can have a friend with me tonight, I can guarantee your husband wil be a lot better in the morning.” So that night,when the lady had retired to her room, ‘Shovel’ and his other male nurse took two buckets of water into the patient’s[91] room along with two large towels. Handing his mate a towel and keeping the other himself, ‘Shovel’ sat on a chair at one side of the patient’s bed with a bucket of water, and his mate did the same on the other side of the bed. “Now!” said ‘Shovel’ ,when his mate and himself were in battle order;” Whenever he tries to sit up in bed I will hit him with my wet towel and you hit him right away with yours!” of course what happened was that as soon as the patient tried to howl or shout or sit up , he got a smack; not from one towel, but from two; and things were very quiet that night, and the following morning the lady was so pleased she gave ‘Shovel’ and his friend more than she had promised them, and her husband was a temperate man for the rest of his life: after the deputy sexton had told this story, he asked a man, who was passing ,if he knew where ‘Shovel’ was “Yes.” Said the man,” He is whitening the kitchen and outhouse of an old lady and he is in such a street. “ when the two arrived at the house of the old lady, there was ‘Shovel’ right enough, but they wondered what kind of overall he was wearing. The deputy sexton asked him if he was wearing the latest Paris fashion in Overalls. The old lady ,who was very deaf and whose age ‘shovel’ 47
said was 84 had an[92] ear trumpet fashioned like an old style gramophone horn and she piped up and said,”No, it is my laying away gown, but I could not find him anything else to put over his suit, and I can wash it again and it will be quite as good to lay me away in – it will wash – it will wash.” This episode so pleased Mr.Kamm’s friend that he used to tell it with great glee, for besides hearing about ‘shovel- he had been able to see him in such a comical setting. There was just one pill that the wives of Boggs, salmon and Fluke could not swallow and that was Mr. Joob-Joob. They did not seem able to let bygones be bygones as far as he was concerned and gave him the cold shoulder whenever he was at a social function to which the three of them had been invited. Mary Lister and Mr. Kamm had noticed this and thought it unfair for the editor to be blamed for the editorial of which about half a dozen of them had been guilty. One night at a party at Mr. Kamm’s house Mary Lister noticed this and got into conversation with the three leaders of Bugsville society.[93]” Mr. Joob-Joob does not seem very popular in here tonight.” Said Mary to the threeladies.” He should be very careful what he puts in his leading articles!” answered the ladies in chorus. “He is very lucky our husbands did not sue him for libel.” So that is the case thought Miss Lister, and then she proceeded to try to put things right. “ What about the name the people all call me. Maybe I shall have to sue Mr. Bouncer. You three ladies all know what the public of ‘Bugsville and ‘Tottle’ also call me besides my rightful name of Mary Lister. “ Yes!” said the ladies in chorus “’The Mathamatical Charlady’! we think it is awful to give a lady that has done so much for ‘Bugsville’ a name like that” “ I am proud of it !” said Mary and she proceeded to tell them of all that had happened in the roping in of Mr. Bouncer, Jonas ‘The Cattle Buyer’and Jack Booly t ‘ the sweepstake winner’ into the uplift or ‘Resurrection Scheme’ As Mary calls it.” Now I was the chief behind all these schemes and there were only three men helping me in my schemes; an old-age pensioner, whose only income was 10/- a week, Mr. Frank Coffin- known as the deputy sexton, another man on the dole – Ernest Shroud- known as the deputy,deputy sexton and another man Charles Rhymer, also known as the ‘poet’, who was on the [94] means test. Nowall the 4 of us knew that the ‘Bugsville Howler was on its last legs; or to put it in a more humorous vein, nearly everyone in ‘Bugsville’ was daily expecting to hear the death rattle of the ‘Howler’; but we also knew that some of the Emigrants, departed ‘Bugsvilleites’ still bought the paper for old association’s sake, and all the 4 of us at my instigation, sought the Editor and persuaded him to put a leader in the paper so that if we could get some of the exiles to return we should be stronger still, and Mr. Joob-Joob especially hit at your husbands, because of their business abilities, for we saw that, instead of 4 wealthy men we should have 7 making more plusses and less minuses still, and you know all the risk Mr. Joob-Joob took was the risk of a good hiding from your husbands; so he is not a coward and was doing it for the good of the town.Now!” continued Mary, “ You all seem to be happy in your native town again. Could you not forgive Mr. Joob-Joob and myself at the 48
same time?” This explanation seemed to suit the three ladies and they all laughed happily. “ You are a Mathamatical Charlady!” they said in[95] chorus. Mary crossed the room and brought Mr. Joob-Joob back with her and introduced him to the three ladies. This pleased him very much for he was a likeable, honest man and the ladies let him know, both singly and together that Mary had told them all about her schemes to rope their husbands into the ‘uplift Movement’ and all the 5 of them had a good laugh in unison.. “ But you must be a nice ‘Editor’ now and not write any more insulting leading articles either about us or anyone else!” “ I do not intend to.” Said Mr. Joob-Joob, “ and I certainly cannot about your 3 families; the Newspaper is now doing well, thanks to your husbands’ money, they have bought it between them and I am only the Editor.” “ I see !” said Mrs. Boggs, who had a sense of humour, “ they have muzzled the dog that bit them.” “ Put it that way if you will.” Said Mr. Joob-Joob,” But they pay me a decent salary and the name of Joob-Joob must taste pleasanter to my creditors, now that I have been able to pay them in full.” “Well!” said Mary, “ I suppose you know why we are having this party at Mr. Kamm’s house tonight.” “ We have an idea!” said Mrs. Boggs speaking for the other 2,” You want to see signs of religious revival.”[96] “Yes!” said Mary, “Quite a few of us have noticed that with shorter hours and more leisure the general public of ‘Bugsville’ do not attend either church or chapel only on special occasions. “ “Without having had much hope in this, until recently,they have perhaps lost all hope in the next!” said Mrs.Flooke, “ Yes!” said Mary, “They are very material- but what about the children; all the denominations are short of teachers. The parents send their children to Sunday School and expect young men and women to teach them, but they do not seem to think that they should make sacrifices themselves. Our aim is to call a general meeting in ‘Bugsville’ at the Town Hall and we want to get as many ‘Bugsvillites’ as possible; we are not sure how to do it. Do you have any ideas or suggestions?” “Well!” said Mr. Joob-Joob, “ If you want to get a large gathering of people together you must have something very unusual to attract them. What I mean is this, instead of having a prominent or clever man to address the people, we should go to the opposite extreme and get the most comical character or characters in the town; then the public would come[97] with the idea of being entertained and having got them there we could perhaps twist them around into a serious vein of thought: Now!” said Mr. Joob-Joob, “ Let us concentrate and see if we can get one town character to fill the place. Wait a minute, though!” he said,” Let me call the gentlemen over, and then we shall have more suggestions.” Messrs Kamm, Bouncer, Salmon, Flooke and Mr. Bunkum being present in another part of the dining room were called over and 49
told of the project. “ Why not write down the name on a piece of paper,” said Mr. Kamm and then we shall have a majority vote.” This was done and all of the 11 papers were found to contain the name of ‘Toby Shovel’ “Can anyone think of another out of the ordinary man, who would do to help ‘Shovel’ on the platform?” said Mr. Joob-Joob. “ Well!”said Mary Lister “ I have thought of two men; one is the Deputy Sexton Mr.Frank Coffin and the other gentleman will be here shortly!” there was consternation at this statement and general exclamation of “ Why? Who is coming?” and” Another surprise by our ‘Mathamatical Charlady’ and do tell us who it is !!”[98]
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